The Complexity of Grief and the Top 5 Myths About Grieving

Grief is complex. Many of us will not talk about the frightening yet ubiquitous experience of grief until it finds us when we least expect it. By talking more openly about death and dying we can destigmatize death and make it more comfortable to talk about. These open conversations will also serve to debunk the many myths surrounding grief and loss.

Taking some time to learn about the many misconceptions surrounding the grieving process can be a tremendous help, whether we are experiencing it ourselves, or trying to help a friend or family member.

Here are five common myths about grieving.

Myth 1: Grieving happens in stages

Many tend to think grieving happens in linear stages. You progress naturally from one stage to the next. Grief, however, does not follow any such rules. We can think of grief as a multitude of reactions and those reactions can come and go, in no particular order.

Here are some common reactions:

●     Physical reactions can include disturbed sleep schedules, fatigue or exhaustion with no physical cause, headaches, heavy sighing, and sobbing or crying.

●     Cognitive reactions can include difficulty focusing or making decisions, confusion, and short-term memory loss.

●     Emotional reactions can include anger, sadness, depression, numbness, guilt, hopelessness, loneliness, calmness, and relief.

●     Behavioral reactions can include isolating oneself socially and a decrease in activities.

●     Spiritual reactions can include searching for meaning, asking ‘why’ questions, and a strengthening or weakening of faith.

Do not be surprised if the grieving process involves several of these reactions simultaneously, and recurrently. The grief process is different and unique for each of us and there is no wrong or right way to grieve.

Myth 2: Grieving and mourning are the same thing

It can be tempting to use these words interchangeably, but they refer to different things. Grief can be defined as the emotional state caused by the loss of something or someone. It is the emotions or state experienced internally by the person suffering the bereavement. On the other hand, mourning is the external expression of those feelings or emotions. This is often visible to others.

This distinction is important because everyone that deals with loss experiences grief. But due to cultural or societal influences, they may not feel comfortable expressing that grief through mourning. Sometimes even well intentioned friends and family who offer encouragement to ‘carry on’ or ‘keep your head up’ or ‘put a smile on and move forward’ may be inadvertently stifling a person from mourning in the way he or she needs to.

One of the best things you can do for someone grieving is to allow them to mourn freely. Encouraging words, time spent with them, and accepting them through any outward expression of grief are vital aspects of mourning and the grieving process in general.

Myth 3: It takes about a year to grieve

How long does grief last? Some would venture guesses ranging from a few months to a year or two. The correct answer? A lifetime. In the case of the loss of a loved one, death ends a life, not the relationship. The bereaved will continue to love that person for the rest of their life.

While it is true that the intensity of the intensity of grief is the strongest in the first year, difficult emotions can continue to be felt long after the bereavement. These bouts of grief are strong enough to interfere with normal activities like eating, sleeping, and other responsibilities. In some cases, complications from the grieving process can lead to depression, anxiety disorders or even PTSD. Grief is a process without a real ending.

Myth 4: More grief is better

Everyone grieves differently and in differing amounts and over varying lengths of time. Modern research shows that individuals tend to follow ‘grief trajectories.’ Of these, there are two main healthy trajectories that most fall into.

The first is called a ‘recovery trajectory.’ This is where an individual initially experiences very intense and painful emotions and has difficulty functioning. However, after several months they gradually recover and return to their lives. This is the trajectory most think of when they hear the word ‘grief,’ but interestingly, this path usually accounts for only 10 to 20 percent of what most people experience.

Around 50 to 60 percent follow the ‘resilience trajectory.’ These individuals maintain healthy, relatively stable lives even in the immediate aftermath of a loss and may show few signs of mourning. However, internally, they are still experiencing the grief emotions discussed earlier. Both trajectories are normal and allow the person to grieve and return to a place of living healthy, functional lives.

Myth 5: You are done grieving at a certain point

Another common misconception is that once a person is ‘done’ grieving, they are finished and will not experience grief emotions after that. What we really see is that even after a person has grieved in a healthy way, they can still experience episodes of grief for many years. 

These moments can and usually will diminish in intensity and frequency as time goes on. Certain places or times, like anniversaries or birthdays, can reopen those wounds. Sometimes a smell or photograph can be a trigger. Though unexpected, allow and observe these experiences and embrace them as part of the grief journey.

If you or someone you love is experiencing intense grief and/or symptoms of depression or anxiety that are worrisome, please seek the guidance of a professional counselor. We are here to assist those that have experienced loss and tragedy in their lives.

References:

Bonanno, G.A. & Malgaroli, M. (2019) Trajectories of Grief: Comparing Symptoms formm the DSM-5 and ICD-11 Diagnoses. Wiley Periodicals, Inc. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/da.22902

Managing Your Grief This Holiday Season

According to our favorite holiday movies and books we should be serene, happy and peaceful throughout the holidays. This is rarely the case, however, for those who may be grieving the loss of a loved one. Holidays are hard when you are consumed with grief, no matter how long ago you experienced your loss.

We all experience grief differently and there is no right way to do it. The same is true for coping with a loss. How one person manages may not be the same as the next. The key to grief is patience and compassion. Grief can make often make us feel lost and confused.

Here are some suggestions on how to manage your grief so that you can acknowledge what you are feeling, but also make sure that you enjoy the holidays to the fullest.

• Set limits for yourself: Grieving requires energy so slow down and take the opportunity to rest and recover a bit more often than usual. Don’t be afraid to say “no” and to prioritize your mental and emotional health as much as possible. Do only those things that mean the most to you and conserve your energy.

• Plan your schedule ahead of time: When it comes to putting everything together for the holidays, you will want to have a plan. A plan for gift giving, holiday events, food preparation, work responsibilities and self care will keep you calm and give you a better sense of control. When you have intense or difficult emotions, you will be able to rely on the schedule to keep things on track without feeling overwhelmed.

• Honor your loved one: When you lose someone, you don’t have to forget them and the things that you shared. If you had traditions or holiday memories that you want to keep going after they’re gone, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You will be able to show your respect and love for them by honoring your loved one as well as their memory through continuing with these traditions.

• Create new traditions: There is nothing wrong with starting a new chapter in your life, especially around the holidays. Your new traditions are a positive and healthy way to manage and understand your grief in an approachable way. These new ways of celebrating the season will help you stay in the moment and experience this time of year with a renewed sense of purpose and joy.

• Allow and accept your emotions: When you are dealing with something as big as grief, you can’t keep it bottled up during the holidays. It’s easy to want to do that and you may feel as if you must always be cheerful, but remember that holidays are meant for emotion. Sharing your grief in a meaningful way is part of connecting to loved ones. They will appreciate your honesty and you won’t be alone with your feelings.

• Accept your grief and be mindful of the present: When we have the willingness to accept our struggles those struggles can lose their power. The final stage of grief is known as acceptance. Acceptance will allow you to see your new reality and how it impacts your life and relationships. Acceptance sees that life continues and is never the same. It is enriched by your loved one’s presence and encourages hope.

The holidays can be an emotional time of year, but you don’t have to go through them alone.  Share what you feel with those around you, and make the holiday season a happy time by relying on a plan and taking the time that you need to comfort and take care of yourself. Don’t be afraid to stick to old traditions and create new ones. Be present and willing to experience the hope and joy that the season can bring.