Grief is complex. Many of us will not talk about the frightening yet ubiquitous experience of grief until it finds us when we least expect it. By talking more openly about death and dying we can destigmatize death and make it more comfortable to talk about. These open conversations will also serve to debunk the many myths surrounding grief and loss.
Taking some time to learn about the many misconceptions surrounding the grieving process can be a tremendous help, whether we are experiencing it ourselves, or trying to help a friend or family member.
Here are five common myths about grieving.
Myth 1: Grieving happens in stages
Many tend to think grieving happens in linear stages. You progress naturally from one stage to the next. Grief, however, does not follow any such rules. We can think of grief as a multitude of reactions and those reactions can come and go, in no particular order.
Here are some common reactions:
● Physical reactions can include disturbed sleep schedules, fatigue or exhaustion with no physical cause, headaches, heavy sighing, and sobbing or crying.
● Cognitive reactions can include difficulty focusing or making decisions, confusion, and short-term memory loss.
● Emotional reactions can include anger, sadness, depression, numbness, guilt, hopelessness, loneliness, calmness, and relief.
● Behavioral reactions can include isolating oneself socially and a decrease in activities.
● Spiritual reactions can include searching for meaning, asking ‘why’ questions, and a strengthening or weakening of faith.
Do not be surprised if the grieving process involves several of these reactions simultaneously, and recurrently. The grief process is different and unique for each of us and there is no wrong or right way to grieve.
Myth 2: Grieving and mourning are the same thing
It can be tempting to use these words interchangeably, but they refer to different things. Grief can be defined as the emotional state caused by the loss of something or someone. It is the emotions or state experienced internally by the person suffering the bereavement. On the other hand, mourning is the external expression of those feelings or emotions. This is often visible to others.
This distinction is important because everyone that deals with loss experiences grief. But due to cultural or societal influences, they may not feel comfortable expressing that grief through mourning. Sometimes even well intentioned friends and family who offer encouragement to ‘carry on’ or ‘keep your head up’ or ‘put a smile on and move forward’ may be inadvertently stifling a person from mourning in the way he or she needs to.
One of the best things you can do for someone grieving is to allow them to mourn freely. Encouraging words, time spent with them, and accepting them through any outward expression of grief are vital aspects of mourning and the grieving process in general.
Myth 3: It takes about a year to grieve
How long does grief last? Some would venture guesses ranging from a few months to a year or two. The correct answer? A lifetime. In the case of the loss of a loved one, death ends a life, not the relationship. The bereaved will continue to love that person for the rest of their life.
While it is true that the intensity of the intensity of grief is the strongest in the first year, difficult emotions can continue to be felt long after the bereavement. These bouts of grief are strong enough to interfere with normal activities like eating, sleeping, and other responsibilities. In some cases, complications from the grieving process can lead to depression, anxiety disorders or even PTSD. Grief is a process without a real ending.
Myth 4: More grief is better
Everyone grieves differently and in differing amounts and over varying lengths of time. Modern research shows that individuals tend to follow ‘grief trajectories.’ Of these, there are two main healthy trajectories that most fall into.
The first is called a ‘recovery trajectory.’ This is where an individual initially experiences very intense and painful emotions and has difficulty functioning. However, after several months they gradually recover and return to their lives. This is the trajectory most think of when they hear the word ‘grief,’ but interestingly, this path usually accounts for only 10 to 20 percent of what most people experience.
Around 50 to 60 percent follow the ‘resilience trajectory.’ These individuals maintain healthy, relatively stable lives even in the immediate aftermath of a loss and may show few signs of mourning. However, internally, they are still experiencing the grief emotions discussed earlier. Both trajectories are normal and allow the person to grieve and return to a place of living healthy, functional lives.
Myth 5: You are done grieving at a certain point
Another common misconception is that once a person is ‘done’ grieving, they are finished and will not experience grief emotions after that. What we really see is that even after a person has grieved in a healthy way, they can still experience episodes of grief for many years.
These moments can and usually will diminish in intensity and frequency as time goes on. Certain places or times, like anniversaries or birthdays, can reopen those wounds. Sometimes a smell or photograph can be a trigger. Though unexpected, allow and observe these experiences and embrace them as part of the grief journey.
If you or someone you love is experiencing intense grief and/or symptoms of depression or anxiety that are worrisome, please seek the guidance of a professional counselor. We are here to assist those that have experienced loss and tragedy in their lives.
References:
Bonanno, G.A. & Malgaroli, M. (2019) Trajectories of Grief: Comparing Symptoms formm the DSM-5 and ICD-11 Diagnoses. Wiley Periodicals, Inc. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/da.22902
