10 Tips for Supporting Someone Going Through Pregnancy or Infant Loss

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. If you are close to someone who has lost a pregnancy, it can be intimidating trying to offer support. We may not know what to say or what to do and we might think that it is just too difficult of a matter to broach.

Those that have lost a child may feel isolated and lonely, at a time when they need all the care and support they can get. While you may not be able to take all the pain away, awareness and some simple actions can certainly help. Here are 10 tips for supporting someone going through pregnancy or infant loss:

1. Don’t be afraid to say something

Not saying anything is usually worse than saying something awkward, but well intentioned. If you are at a loss for words, it’s ok to just say: “I don’t even know what to say.” Every text, call and card will help. Acknowledge their loss and let them know that they are in your thoughts.

2. Avoid cliches

At the same time, be careful to avoid certain phrases like ‘you can always try again’, or ‘at least you weren’t that far along’, or ‘everything happens for a reason.’ These kinds of statements may make others feel helpless and/or that their experience wasn’t meaningful. Balance sincerity with sensitivity, and let your heart do the talking.

3. Be a good listener

Everyone processes grief differently and grief is experienced in stages. Those who have lost a child may have extreme emotions. It is important to hold space for these feelings without being judgmental, critical, or dismissive. Allow your loved one to express what they are thinking and feeling freely and safely.

4. Be sensitive to the physical signs of grief

Loss of appetite, irregular sleep patterns, low energy, headaches, gastrointestinal distress, muscle weakness and restlessness are all indicators of emotional distress and can accompany grief. Almost every system in the body is affected by grief. It can be difficult for those that have lost a child to see their own health and wellness as a priority. Encourage your loved ones to take a leisurely stroll, eat small meals and stay hydrated.

5. Offer practical help

Regular household chores can be overwhelming for those that are grieving such a tremendous loss. Offer to help with cooking, cleaning, and shopping. Think out of the box. Do they have maternity or baby items that need to be returned? Even a small act of kindness can go a long way.

6. Use the baby’s name

Acknowledging the child’s name helps parents know that others had the same hopes and dreams for their child that they did. It may seem hard, but it is an important part of the grieving process. This will help the child gain an identity and a place within the family.

7. Remember significant dates

The date a couple finds out they are pregnant or finds out they have lost the child can be particularly painful in the years to come. Some may need extra support on those occasions, while others may want to commemorate their child in some way. Whatever the case, do not be afraid to ask for those dates, and put them on your calendar.

8. Support each parent differently

Men and women grieve differently. For example, a husband might put on a strong front around his wife, and at the same time be hurting deeply and grieving when alone. Giving them your time and kind words might mean more to them than you know.

9. Give them space

Sometimes, a grieving parent just wants to be alone. Look for your loved one to guide you and honor their requests to have this time.

10. Look for support groups and/or individual assistance

Despite our best efforts, sometimes parents whose loss is profound need to be around those who understand exactly what they are going through and/or seek individual counseling from a perinatal mental health expert. Encourage this and offer help in finding a group or individual therapist that can help. Hope After Loss, Inc. (www.hopeafterloss.org) is an excellent organization to connect families to and they can assist in providing comfort, care and support.

Postpartum Anxiety: How to Get the Support You Need When You Are Feeling Overwhelmed

There is tremendous social and cultural hype around the joys, excitement, and wonder of pregnancy, birth, and raising children. Baby showers, parenting classes, and the array of pre-birth activities often convey the implicit and explicit message to parents-to-be that having kids is exclusively a magical albeit stressful experience.

This mythology does us a grave disservice by creating the sense that there is something shameful or abnormal about postpartum depression and/or anxiety. The truth is, negative emotional postpartum experiences are very common and tragically underreported as new mothers in particular often feel they should be nothing but glowing and ecstatic. The Mommy Wars—as competition amongst women to excel at being new mothers—have created a disturbing dynamic in which women often feel afraid to admit they need help, are overwhelmed, or are struggling. Women in particular—and men as well—may feel obligated to “put on a good face” or “act like” they are doing well when they are in fact not. Many fear judgement from friends who are parents or from family members.

The Centers for Disease Control estimates that in the United States, the prevalence of postpartum depression and anxiety is as high as 1 in 5 women in some states. Postpartum depression and anxiety affects women regardless of age, race, ethnicity, number of pregnancies, or prior mental health issues. These feelings can arise days, weeks, and months after birth, and may last years. Stress, anxiety, sleeplessness, hormonal changes, and the emotional intensity of pregnancy, childbirth, and bringing home an infant are all significant influences on postpartum mood issues, and feeling sad, anxious, and overwhelmed is by no means a sign that a new parent is somehow failing to rise to the task.

Postpartum depression and anxiety can range from mild to severe. Symptoms include feeling sad, anxious, nervous, weepy, blue, angry, and lonely—among others. Severe symptoms may include thoughts of harming oneself or the child. If you or someone you know is at risk for harming themselves or their child, immediately contact your local crisis support hotline or 911.

Getting help for postpartum mood difficulties like depression and anxiety is important for the health and wellness of families. Recognizing and accepting that one is feeling overwhelmed is the first step on the long road of parenting in which eventually, parents are ultimately supported by many other people when it comes to their children and parenting . . . family, teachers, coaches, counselors, and clergy, to name a few.

Initially reaching out is often the hardest part of asking for help when it comes to being an overwhelmed parent, whether it’s your first time or your fourth. If you’re having difficulty asking your support system for what you need (and maybe you’re even having a difficult time identifying what it is that would be helpful to you) try the Third Person Test. This is when you imagine what you would want a friend to say to you to ask for help if they needed it and were struggling to ask. Sometimes, imagining that the situation isn’t our own frees us up from the harsh self-judgements we tend to levy on ourselves but that we wouldn’t dream of when it comes to someone else.

Your medical professionals can be tremendously helpful when it comes to accessing the resources you need. Obstetricians, pediatricians, and even your family Primary Care Provider all have extensive experience supporting families through postpartum mood disturbances, and they can direct you to reputable, reliable, professional organizations and service providers to address your families’ specific needs. Postpartum Support International or PSI for example is a trusted organization for the education and support of new moms and their families surrounding the entire perinatal period. There are also compassionate, specialty counselors available to help new parents navigate these difficult feelings while engaging in this important new journey. These counselors can support you with practical skills and strategies for addressing the challenges that arise. Faith organizations and hospital systems frequently offer a wide variety of emotional and practical support services, including educational forums, support groups, peer groups, and links to other ancillary services that help new parents feel less overwhelmed by their exhaustive new responsibilities.

If you’re having difficulty getting the kind of support you need from your partner, friends, or family members, a counselor specifically trained in perinatal mental health can offer you practical advice for getting these important individuals on board in ways that are meaningful to you. Counselors often are excellent at providing communication training so that the individual can more successfully convey what it is they are needing to those who are in a position to provide it.

Having children can be a remarkably rewarding experience, but more often than not, it also comes with real anxieties about the infinite questions surrounding parenting. Give yourself, your child, and your family the gift of helping you through postpartum depression and anxiety by seeking and accessing the support you need.