October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. If you are close to someone who has lost a pregnancy, it can be intimidating trying to offer support. We may not know what to say or what to do and we might think that it is just too difficult of a matter to broach.
Those that have lost a child may feel isolated and lonely, at a time when they need all the care and support they can get. While you may not be able to take all the pain away, awareness and some simple actions can certainly help. Here are 10 tips for supporting someone going through pregnancy or infant loss:
1. Don’t be afraid to say something
Not saying anything is usually worse than saying something awkward, but well intentioned. If you are at a loss for words, it’s ok to just say: “I don’t even know what to say.” Every text, call and card will help. Acknowledge their loss and let them know that they are in your thoughts.
2. Avoid cliches
At the same time, be careful to avoid certain phrases like ‘you can always try again’, or ‘at least you weren’t that far along’, or ‘everything happens for a reason.’ These kinds of statements may make others feel helpless and/or that their experience wasn’t meaningful. Balance sincerity with sensitivity, and let your heart do the talking.
3. Be a good listener
Everyone processes grief differently and grief is experienced in stages. Those who have lost a child may have extreme emotions. It is important to hold space for these feelings without being judgmental, critical, or dismissive. Allow your loved one to express what they are thinking and feeling freely and safely.
4. Be sensitive to the physical signs of grief
Loss of appetite, irregular sleep patterns, low energy, headaches, gastrointestinal distress, muscle weakness and restlessness are all indicators of emotional distress and can accompany grief. Almost every system in the body is affected by grief. It can be difficult for those that have lost a child to see their own health and wellness as a priority. Encourage your loved ones to take a leisurely stroll, eat small meals and stay hydrated.
5. Offer practical help
Regular household chores can be overwhelming for those that are grieving such a tremendous loss. Offer to help with cooking, cleaning, and shopping. Think out of the box. Do they have maternity or baby items that need to be returned? Even a small act of kindness can go a long way.
6. Use the baby’s name
Acknowledging the child’s name helps parents know that others had the same hopes and dreams for their child that they did. It may seem hard, but it is an important part of the grieving process. This will help the child gain an identity and a place within the family.
7. Remember significant dates
The date a couple finds out they are pregnant or finds out they have lost the child can be particularly painful in the years to come. Some may need extra support on those occasions, while others may want to commemorate their child in some way. Whatever the case, do not be afraid to ask for those dates, and put them on your calendar.
8. Support each parent differently
Men and women grieve differently. For example, a husband might put on a strong front around his wife, and at the same time be hurting deeply and grieving when alone. Giving them your time and kind words might mean more to them than you know.
9. Give them space
Sometimes, a grieving parent just wants to be alone. Look for your loved one to guide you and honor their requests to have this time.
10. Look for support groups and/or individual assistance
Despite our best efforts, sometimes parents whose loss is profound need to be around those who understand exactly what they are going through and/or seek individual counseling from a perinatal mental health expert. Encourage this and offer help in finding a group or individual therapist that can help. Hope After Loss, Inc. (www.hopeafterloss.org) is an excellent organization to connect families to and they can assist in providing comfort, care and support.
