How to Cope with a Newly Empty Nest: Tips and Strategies for a Smooth Transition

It’s happened—you have an empty nest. The little ones that you spent the majority of your time taking care of, worrying about, encouraging, teaching, and loving over the past 18 or so years have grown up and flown the coop. Whether you were ready for it or not, you have entered the stage of being an empty nester. The moving out of your last, or only child, is life changing. And, while there are some parents that embrace this change with open arms, there are many more that struggle to make the transition.

Being a parent has been one of your full-time roles for years. While you still are a parent, even though your child doesn’t live at home, the dynamic of the relationship has changed. If your identity has been wrapped up in your role as “mom” or “dad” having an empty nest can leave you feeling lost, confused, anxious, regretful, and depressed.

This may feel like one of the most difficult transitions that you have made in your life until this point. And, while it may be painful and hard, you can get through it successfully and learn to love the new life that is waiting for you in your empty nest. Getting to this point is a two-part process. The first is learning how to transition to having an adult relationship with your child. The second is learning how to embrace your empty nest and regained freedom.

How to have a relationship with your adult child

It may be difficult for you to see your child as an adult because it feels like just yesterday when you were dropping them off at school for the first time. However, to help your child be a successful adult, it’s important that you learn how to transition your relationship to that of one with an adult and not a child. Here are some tips to help you do that:

Respect the boundaries that your child establishes

This is a time in life when your child is stepping out and becoming an adult. They are likely going to enjoy their newfound freedom. That means they may not check in with you when they make it back to their room every night and they probably aren’t going to call you every day. They may not even want to spend every holiday with you, handle their finances the way you think they should or call you every morning.

As hard as it is to do, you need to respect their wishes. If they don’t want to chat every morning before they head off to work or school, they aren’t going to answer the phone. If you try to force it, you will drive a wedge between the two of you. It doesn’t mean that you have to agree with their boundaries, but if you want to have a good relationship with them you can’t overstep them.

Only give your opinion if it’s asked for

For years you have been a major influencer in the decisions that your child has made. You may have even been the one making the decisions. This makes it hard when they step out on their own and start making their own decisions. They will probably find themselves in new situations that they are unfamiliar with and will have to figure out how to handle them. Allow them to run their own life. Don’t give your opinion unless your child asks you for it.

If they are talking to you about a situation and you would like to weigh in you can say something like, “Do you want my opinion?” But if they decline then keep it to yourself. Forcing your opinion and undermining the decisions that your adult child is making is a good way to damage your relationship with them.

Enjoying your empty nest

It can be a big change to go from having a house that’s bustling with busy teenagers to a house that’s constantly quiet. You spent years constantly reminding your child to pick up after themselves and now you would love to have a little bit of that mess back. You’re most likely missing things that you never realized you would miss. However, instead of focusing on all of the things that make having an empty nest sad, let’s focus on the positive side of it.

You’ve spent hours upon hours raising your children. You were so successful that they were able to move out and not have to depend on you for every little thing. Congratulations! That means you did a good job, you raised your small children into grown adults. Yes, it’s hard to let them go. But once you do a new life awaits you. All of the things that you had to set aside when your children came or had to wait to try because you were a busy parent are now waiting for you to enjoy.

Rediscover your old passions

Most parents have some type of hobby that gets put on the back burner when their children come along. It could be something as simple as reading every day to cross-country skiing, playing the guitar, or going to wine tastings. Spend a few minutes thinking about the hobbies that you used to love doing. Now is your time to rediscover that passion you had for them.

Take up a new hobby

It’s ok if you discover that the hobbies you had a few decades ago aren’t enjoyable anymore. You now have time to try new hobbies. Think of one or two things that you’ve always wanted to try and commit to them with your newly opened schedule. Sign up for a dance class, learn to brew your own beer, take up knitting, or buy that classic car and head off to a car show. Keep trying things until you find something that you love.

Rekindle your relationship

It can be a struggle for a couple to keep the romance alive when the kids are in the house. Hopefully, you haven’t let your relationship slide just because you had kids, but either way now is the time to rekindle that relationship with your spouse or take it up a notch. You no longer have to hide behind closed doors, be home early to make sure your child makes it back in time or find a sitter if you want to go away for the weekend. Think about the things you and your partner liked to do before having kids and try them again.

If you have a blended family this could be the first time that you and your partner have a house with no children living in it. This is a great time to explore your relationship on a new level. Live like honeymooners for awhile.

Don’t jump into major life changes

You are probably experiencing a wide range of emotions right now. You might be tempted to jump into a big move like selling your house to downsize or getting a job to fill your schedule. Take some time to process through your emotions before rushing into any major decisions.

Transitions in life can be difficult. Make an appointment with a local therapist if your transition to an empty nest has left you suffering from grief, depression, anxiety, or regret. It can be healing to discuss what you are experiencing with a trained and experienced professional.

Transitioning to College: Helping Students with Anxiety

The transition to college is an exciting time for students and families. Whether going directly from a senior year in high school or from a “gap” year, students are looking forward with intense anticipation to all of the mysteries and wonders of college life as they’ve come to understand it: meeting new people, a profoundly new degree of independence, exciting new surroundings, studies that may one day connect to a career, and a symbolic point of entry into their adult lives. The rites of passage associated with a senior year of high school in particular lend significant buildup to the college transition.

This excitement can mask an equally profound sense of anxiety associated with this transition, and students often struggle to reconcile these co-existing emotional experiences. Leaving home can be as scary as it is exciting. Choosing a course of study (or feeling like one has to choose one) can feel as much like pressure as it can feel like possibilities. Meeting new people often goes hand-in-hand with fears about losing old, comfortable, and familiar friends with whom one has shared an extensive history. Being geographically distanced from one’s parents can feel deeply unnerving even as it feels liberating.

Additionally, individuals may have significant concerns about the ramifications of the decisions they have made. The college application, acceptance, and selection processes and all of the inherent details such as securing financial resources and making housing decisions may render students with the sense that they have made profound and unbreakable commitments of epic proportions, which can feel like intense pressure to thrive no matter what; all the while having nagging anxieties that they may not have made “the right” decisions but are now stuck with them regardless. What was at one point an elated fantasy about four years of bliss may alternately seem like a foreboding, ominous, inescapable, and very expensive black hole. What if I hate it there? What if I should have picked the other school/program/scholarship/dorm/etc? What if I’m too far away from my family? Will my family be disappointed/angry/upset if I want to change programs? Will Mom and Dad be angry/hurt/lose money if I try this program and it’s not right for me, and I want to transfer? What if I’m miserable on the soccer team and have to play to keep my scholarship/etc? are just a few examples of the kind of anxieties that frequently intrude on the festivities and glow surrounding the college transition.

Students transitioning to college frequently feel anxious about being open about concerns they have because they fear that they will be perceived as unready for the change if they show signs of hesitation. It is important to them to prove their ability to go forward and engage their futures, and they may be reticent to verbalize any sentiments that have the potential to undermine their perceived readiness.

The anxiety of transitioning to college is as likely to be a factor for individuals who do not have a history of anxiety or other mental health concerns as it is for those who do. In fact, it’s important to remember that individuals with no history of anxiety may feel even more pressure to appear to be “handling” the transition well, as individuals who have had anxiety in the past may be more comfortable discussing their concerns as feeling anxious is not an unexpected experience. They may feel less pressure to keep up an appearance “keeping it together” having already dealt with similar feelings previously, and therefore more inclined to seek help and support.

For the people who care about them, supporting students through the transition to college means being empathetic to their conflicting feelings and not personalizing the stress. Often, the college process can be stressful and anxiety provoking for the people who make up the student’s support system, especially parents. Be mindful of your own attitude including verbals and nonverbals towards the new college student. There may be a little part of you that resents them being less than completely positive about the upcoming experience into which you may also have put great time, effort, and resources. But you need to remember that their feelings of anxiety having nothing to do with their appreciation for the part you have played in the process. Their anxieties really exist independently of that, and your compassionate empathy for their conflicting feelings is as important as any other kind of support you have provided along the way.

Consider trying to have some open and low-stress conversations with your student about their transition. You can help open the doorway for them to share their feelings by letting them know it’s okay for them to have some ambivalence . . . perhaps by sharing your own conflict (i.e., you know, I’m so excited for you and yet I find myself also a little anxious about having you so far away). Preemptively explore the support resources available on campus such as the student mental health center or counseling service, and review those opportunities with your student the same way you would take note of other resources such as the dining hall or the registrar’s office. In doing so you make your student aware of the opportunities while at the same time normalizing the idea that they might have anxieties and that seeking additional support is a good way to handle such feelings.  Also, make sure your student knows that you will always be glad to hear from them, and you want to know how they are doing no matter what. By preemptively letting your student know that you expect there to be downs as well as ups and lows as well as highs on this exciting time in life, you are taking the pressure off of them to only be calling home with good news.