5 Ways to Balance Attachment and Control in Your Parenting Style

Parenting is a complex and challenging journey that requires parents to make many decisions, including how to interact with their children. One of the most important decisions parents make is how to balance attachment and control in their parenting style. Attachment and control are two different parenting styles that can have a significant impact on a child's emotional and cognitive development. In this blog post, we will explore the importance of attachment versus control in parenting and how it can shape a child's future.

Attachment parenting is a style of parenting that emphasizes the importance of building strong emotional bonds between parent and child. It focuses on meeting the child's needs for comfort, security, and emotional support, as well as nurturing their development. Attachment parenting involves practices such as co-sleeping, baby-wearing, and extended breastfeeding. The goal of attachment parenting is to create a secure and emotionally healthy attachment between parent and child, which can lead to better mental health outcomes for the child in the future.

On the other hand, control parenting is a style of parenting that emphasizes the importance of discipline, obedience, and order. It focuses on teaching the child how to behave and conform to societal norms and values. Control parenting involves practices such as strict rules, punishments, and rewards. The goal of control parenting is to shape the child's behavior and mold them into a socially acceptable and productive member of society.

The debate between attachment and control parenting has been ongoing for decades. Some argue that attachment parenting is too permissive and can lead to children who are overly dependent on their parents. Others argue that control parenting is too strict and can lead to children who are anxious and lack self-esteem. So, what is the right balance between attachment and control in parenting?

Research shows that a balance between attachment and control is essential for optimal child development. Parents who use both attachment and control parenting styles create a balance between emotional support and behavioral guidance, leading to a child who is confident, resilient, and emotionally healthy. When parents prioritize attachment, they build a strong emotional foundation for their child, creating a safe and secure base from which the child can explore and learn about the world. When parents prioritize control, they provide structure and guidance for their child, which helps the child develop self-discipline and the ability to navigate social situations.

One of the most significant benefits of attachment parenting is the secure attachment that it creates between parent and child. A secure attachment is when a child feels safe, loved, and cared for by their primary caregiver. Children who have a secure attachment are more likely to have better mental health outcomes in the future, such as higher self-esteem, better social skills, and fewer behavioral problems. A secure attachment also helps children develop a sense of trust and security, which enables them to explore the world more confidently and independently.

Control parenting, on the other hand, can lead to negative outcomes if taken to an extreme. When parents prioritize control over attachment, they can create a hostile and stressful environment for their child, leading to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Children who grow up in a strict and controlling environment may become rebellious or develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with stress and pressure.

The right balance between attachment and control is essential for optimal child development. Parents who use both parenting styles create a nurturing and supportive environment while also providing structure and guidance for their child. When parents prioritize attachment, they foster emotional development, and when they prioritize control, they promote behavioral development. Both are essential for a child's well-being.

So, what are some ways parents can balance attachment and control in their parenting style?

1. Be responsive: Parents who are responsive to their child's needs and emotions are more likely to build a strong emotional bond with their child. This can involve practices such as holding and comforting the child when they are upset, responding promptly to their requests, and actively listening to them.

2. Set clear boundaries: While it is essential to be responsive to the child's emotional needs, parents also need to set clear boundaries and expectations for their child's behavior. This can involve practices such as establishing rules, providing consequences for misbehavior, and rewarding good behavior.

3. Encourage independence: While it is crucial to provide emotional support and guidance, parents should also encourage their child's independence and autonomy. This can involve practices such as allowing the child to make choices and decisions, encouraging exploration and creativity, and providing opportunities for growth and learning.

4. Use positive reinforcement: Instead of relying solely on punishments for misbehavior, parents can use positive reinforcement to encourage good behavior. This can involve practices such as praising the child for their accomplishments, providing rewards for good behavior, and expressing gratitude for their efforts.

5. Be consistent: Consistency is key when it comes to parenting. Parents should be consistent in their responses, expectations, and discipline to ensure that the child feels safe and secure in their environment. Inconsistency can lead to confusion and insecurity for the child, which can negatively impact their emotional and cognitive development.

In conclusion, finding a balance between attachment and control in parenting is crucial for optimal child development. Parents who prioritize attachment create a strong emotional foundation for their child, while parents who prioritize control provide structure and guidance for their child's behavior. By using both parenting styles in a balanced and consistent way, parents can create a nurturing and supportive environment that promotes healthy emotional and cognitive development for their child.

A Parent’s Guide to Teen Depression and Suicide

The statistics on teen suicide are staggering. According to the Centers for Disease Control, each year, an average of 8% of American teens will attempt suicide. This makes suicide the second leading cause of death for kids aged 10 to 24. In fact, it is believed that more teenagers die from suicide than from cancer, pneumonia, birth defects, AIDS, influenza and heart disease combined.

Studies have found that teens who have presented with a mood disorder or who abuse drugs are at the greatest risk of attempting suicide. While research suggests girls attempt suicide more often, boys more often die from it.

Unfortunately, there is still much stigma surrounding depression and suicide, and so often these kids keep their emotional pain to themselves.

What can parents of teenagers do to keep their children safe and healthy?

Speak with Your Kid

Many parents believe that trying to speak with their kids about their moods and feelings will only push them farther away. This is a dangerous misconception. In reality, teenagers need to know they are safe, loved and cared for.

You may want to begin your conversation by asking general questions about what’s going on in their life. When the time feels right, you can ask if they have ever had thoughts of self-harm. If their answer alarms you, ask specifically if they are planning on or intending to harm themselves.

Validate Their Feelings

Once you’ve begun this sensitive dialogue with your teen, it’s important to actively listen and validate their feelings. Your kid must really believe you are a) hearing what they’re telling you and b) recognizing the importance of it. Try and listen without judgement. This will help your child relax and open up, thereby giving you an opportunity to learn even more about their inner emotional life.

Clarify the Situation

If your teen confides they are having thoughts of suicide, it’s incredibly important that you remain calm and ask questions that will help you clarify the situation. You will want to determine if they are mentioning suicide because they:

• Want to tell you just how bad they are feeling.

• Alert you to something they need but are not getting.

• Need to vocalize their desire to stop feeling so many emotions.

• Have actually planned how and when they will take their life.

Seek Professional Guidance

Any talk of suicide is a serious matter and requires professional guidance by a trained therapist. It’s important not to force your teen into any treatment plan, but instead, allow them to help direct the course of their plan. Some of their depression might stem from an overall lack of control they feel they have in their own life, so it’s important you let them have a voice in the direction of treatment. You may also find that you will want to speak with someone through this difficult time.

If you or a loved one is seeking treatment options for a troubled teen, please be in touch. We would be more than happy to discuss how we may be able to help your family.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.

1-800-273-8255

Parenting An Angry Teen

Raising a teenager can be one of the most challenging experiences a parent will go through. Teenagers are in an awkward stage, dealing with hormonal changes that are out of their control and a developing brain. They’re awakening to new realizations about themselves and the world around them.

Teenage rebellion is a natural phase, however, handling it as a parent is anything but natural. If you’re struggling with raising an angry teen, here are some strategies that can help.

Keep Your Cool

It may be difficult to keep your cool when your teen is yelling at you, but as the adult, it’s important that you maintain control. Refrain from yelling, cursing, or name-calling your teen. Verbal abuse will only escalate the argument and will have a long-term impact on your child and your relationship. If your child is being verbally abusive, apply consequences to their behavior and speak in a calm, matter-of-fact tone.

Accountability, Not Control

Rather than trying to control your teen and their behavior, make them accountable. Set clear boundaries, and establish rules and consequences.

Listen

It can be difficult to listen when your child is yelling or angry. Your initial reaction may be to defend yourself or criticize. Rather than offering advice or judgment, actively listen to your teen. Be silent as they express themselves, and ask questions to better understand how they’re feeling. You can also calmly express that it’s difficult to listen to them when they’re angry and yelling. By genuinely trying to listen and understand them, you can teach them how to control their emotions and express themselves calmly.

Give Them Space

When your teen is angry and wants to storm off, let them go instead of following them and trying to continue or resolve the argument. It’s healthy for both of you to give each other space and time to cool off so you can revisit the discussion when you’re both feeling calmer.

Pick Your Battles

Your teen is going through a difficult phase, and needs empathy. Remember back to the times when you were a teen to help you empathize. There will be times when your teen is making a bigger deal of something than it needs to be, and as the adult it’s your job to know when to stand your ground, and when to let things go. Talk with your spouse to set boundaries and determine priorities of issues that can be compromised, and issues that are non-negotiable.

If you’re having difficulty with your angry teenager and want some help and guidance, call our office today so we can set up an appointment to talk.

How to Cope with a Newly Empty Nest: Tips and Strategies for a Smooth Transition

It’s happened—you have an empty nest. The little ones that you spent the majority of your time taking care of, worrying about, encouraging, teaching, and loving over the past 18 or so years have grown up and flown the coop. Whether you were ready for it or not, you have entered the stage of being an empty nester. The moving out of your last, or only child, is life changing. And, while there are some parents that embrace this change with open arms, there are many more that struggle to make the transition.

Being a parent has been one of your full-time roles for years. While you still are a parent, even though your child doesn’t live at home, the dynamic of the relationship has changed. If your identity has been wrapped up in your role as “mom” or “dad” having an empty nest can leave you feeling lost, confused, anxious, regretful, and depressed.

This may feel like one of the most difficult transitions that you have made in your life until this point. And, while it may be painful and hard, you can get through it successfully and learn to love the new life that is waiting for you in your empty nest. Getting to this point is a two-part process. The first is learning how to transition to having an adult relationship with your child. The second is learning how to embrace your empty nest and regained freedom.

How to have a relationship with your adult child

It may be difficult for you to see your child as an adult because it feels like just yesterday when you were dropping them off at school for the first time. However, to help your child be a successful adult, it’s important that you learn how to transition your relationship to that of one with an adult and not a child. Here are some tips to help you do that:

Respect the boundaries that your child establishes

This is a time in life when your child is stepping out and becoming an adult. They are likely going to enjoy their newfound freedom. That means they may not check in with you when they make it back to their room every night and they probably aren’t going to call you every day. They may not even want to spend every holiday with you, handle their finances the way you think they should or call you every morning.

As hard as it is to do, you need to respect their wishes. If they don’t want to chat every morning before they head off to work or school, they aren’t going to answer the phone. If you try to force it, you will drive a wedge between the two of you. It doesn’t mean that you have to agree with their boundaries, but if you want to have a good relationship with them you can’t overstep them.

Only give your opinion if it’s asked for

For years you have been a major influencer in the decisions that your child has made. You may have even been the one making the decisions. This makes it hard when they step out on their own and start making their own decisions. They will probably find themselves in new situations that they are unfamiliar with and will have to figure out how to handle them. Allow them to run their own life. Don’t give your opinion unless your child asks you for it.

If they are talking to you about a situation and you would like to weigh in you can say something like, “Do you want my opinion?” But if they decline then keep it to yourself. Forcing your opinion and undermining the decisions that your adult child is making is a good way to damage your relationship with them.

Enjoying your empty nest

It can be a big change to go from having a house that’s bustling with busy teenagers to a house that’s constantly quiet. You spent years constantly reminding your child to pick up after themselves and now you would love to have a little bit of that mess back. You’re most likely missing things that you never realized you would miss. However, instead of focusing on all of the things that make having an empty nest sad, let’s focus on the positive side of it.

You’ve spent hours upon hours raising your children. You were so successful that they were able to move out and not have to depend on you for every little thing. Congratulations! That means you did a good job, you raised your small children into grown adults. Yes, it’s hard to let them go. But once you do a new life awaits you. All of the things that you had to set aside when your children came or had to wait to try because you were a busy parent are now waiting for you to enjoy.

Rediscover your old passions

Most parents have some type of hobby that gets put on the back burner when their children come along. It could be something as simple as reading every day to cross-country skiing, playing the guitar, or going to wine tastings. Spend a few minutes thinking about the hobbies that you used to love doing. Now is your time to rediscover that passion you had for them.

Take up a new hobby

It’s ok if you discover that the hobbies you had a few decades ago aren’t enjoyable anymore. You now have time to try new hobbies. Think of one or two things that you’ve always wanted to try and commit to them with your newly opened schedule. Sign up for a dance class, learn to brew your own beer, take up knitting, or buy that classic car and head off to a car show. Keep trying things until you find something that you love.

Rekindle your relationship

It can be a struggle for a couple to keep the romance alive when the kids are in the house. Hopefully, you haven’t let your relationship slide just because you had kids, but either way now is the time to rekindle that relationship with your spouse or take it up a notch. You no longer have to hide behind closed doors, be home early to make sure your child makes it back in time or find a sitter if you want to go away for the weekend. Think about the things you and your partner liked to do before having kids and try them again.

If you have a blended family this could be the first time that you and your partner have a house with no children living in it. This is a great time to explore your relationship on a new level. Live like honeymooners for awhile.

Don’t jump into major life changes

You are probably experiencing a wide range of emotions right now. You might be tempted to jump into a big move like selling your house to downsize or getting a job to fill your schedule. Take some time to process through your emotions before rushing into any major decisions.

Transitions in life can be difficult. Make an appointment with a local therapist if your transition to an empty nest has left you suffering from grief, depression, anxiety, or regret. It can be healing to discuss what you are experiencing with a trained and experienced professional.

How to Manage Stress and Anxiety Over Holiday Break with the Kids

It’s that time of year again. Your child is anxiously awaiting the arrival of the holiday break. They can’t wait to be home from school, have freedom in their schedule, and are super excited about the upcoming holidays. However, while they are so excited about it, it might be causing you a lot of stress and anxiety. And, their excitement can quickly disappear as they deal with this right alongside of you.

Remember that this can be a stressful time for children as well

It’s easy to think that holiday stress only affects adults, but that’s not true. There are many children that experience stress and anxiety over the holiday season as well. Their schedules are typically turned upside down. They are staying up later and could be waking up earlier. They are running from one place to another alongside you and often don’t necessarily care for the activity that they have to participate in. Even, their regular eating habits can be challenged during a holiday filled with sweet treats.

Even if they can handle the challenges they are facing, they may be picking up on your stress and anxiety. If you’re like many adults this time of year you could be stressed over your finances as you try to purchase gifts or be dreading having to see that certain person at a holiday function. Children are more perceptive than they are given credit for. They can feel your stress and tension as you work through the holidays.

Be the example

The best way to help your child handle holiday stress is to set a calm example for them. If they see that you are becoming frazzled they are likely to follow in your shoes. Learning how to practice mindfulness is an effective way to regain control when you are starting to feel the stress of the season and your schedule. You can move your focus away from the things that are causing you stress and anxiety and change it to the positive things that are happening all around you.  You can also teach your child how to engage in this activity as well. It’s a useful skill for every person to have.

Don’t overschedule

A schedule that is packed to the brim will cause holiday stress and anxiety for both you and your child. It can be difficult to maintain balance in your schedule this time of year because there are lots of invitations that are coming your way. But, if you accept every invitation that comes your way, you and your kids will soon be exhausted. When this exhaustion sets in it’s easy to be overwhelmed by stress and anxiety.

Make sure that you schedule in downtime for your family. Set it on the calendar and make sure that you protect this time. It could be time that your child has to play quietly in their room while you read and relax,  nap time, or even time for your family to sit together and enjoy a favorite Christmas movie. It’s not important what you’re doing with that time, just that it’s purposeful downtime to unwind.

Be intentional about self-care

During the holidays you need to be even more intentional about self-care for you and your kids. Schedules are off, sleep patterns are disrupted, and there are sweets galore. Here are some tips that you can use for both you and the kiddos:

• Watch what’s going in – There’s nothing wrong with enjoying some holiday treats, but don’t forget about healthy options as well. Make sure that your family is still getting in fruits and vegetables along with drinking plenty of water. Consuming more sugar and/or caffeine than we are used to can make us feel jittery, making it harder to deal with stress. The same is true for children. If you are at a party set a limit on how many treats everyone can have before you arrive. They can still choose their favorites to enjoy but won’t overdo it.

• Take time to move – It’s hard to squeeze in exercise during the holidays when your schedule is already packed. But, making sure you take time to move is good for the whole family. Take time to walk outside together, hit the local playground and let them run around, or if you have snow enjoy sledding or building a snowman altogether. The fresh air and exercise help to alleviate stress and can improve your sleep later that night.

• Protect sleep when possible – Do your best to schedule activities that don’t interfere with the normal sleep patterns of your children. If your little one naps in the afternoon protect this time. If you have a family party that will keep them out late one night, try to follow it up with an early night in the next day. Proper sleep is important for dealing with stress and anxiety.

Change your focus

It’s so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the season that we lose sight of why we are doing it all in the first place. Work to keep your focus on the people around you during this holiday season instead of all the to-dos. Instead of stressing about having to do all the gift shopping focus on all the reasons you want to purchase the gifts you are getting. Spend time appreciating those you love. Help your child to see the reason behind everything that’s being done during this busy time of year. Remind your entire family about the purpose of celebrating.

It can also be helpful to take your focus off your family entirely. Schedule a time to serve together at a homeless shelter, or purchase gifts for a family in need. Look for ways to be a blessing to others. Sometimes seeing the situations of others can help put our stress and anxiety into proper perspective.

For those times when it’s too much…

While stress and anxiety is something that all people deal with in one way or another, it’s not something to be taken lightly. If you or your child is becoming overwhelmed with it then it’s time to schedule an appointment with a local therapist. They can help you get to the root cause of the stress and teach you practical steps that can help you deal with it effectively.

The Benefits of Mindfulness Meditation for Teens

Life is a lot more complicated for teenagers than most adults give them credit for. Many teenagers are balancing schoolwork with part-time jobs, sports, and an active social life. There are plenty of studies out there that have found teenagers are even more stressed out than adults.  And, it’s a growing problem. Statistics show that there is a higher percentage of teenagers that experience stress, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts than in the past. There are many different theories on why this is happening but regardless of the reason, it’s important that teenagers learn ways to effectively handle stress and anxiety. One way they can do this is through mindfulness meditation.

What is mindfulness meditation?

You’re probably familiar with the term meditation, but mindfulness is something many aren’t familiar with. When you practice mindfulness you are purposefully filling your mind with something. You are choosing to focus on something. It could be your breathing, a phrase, a body part, or an image. The important part is that what you are focusing on is something that is going to help you relax along with calming your mind and body.

Mindfulness works because it helps you replace your stressful thoughts and anxiety with something positive. For example, if a teenager is stressed out about an upcoming test at school they may be able to think of little else. That means they may lose sleep over it, have a more difficult time studying, and lose enjoyment in other areas of their life. Their mind is consumed with the anxiety and stress over the test. You can tell them not to think about it, but that’s easier said than done. If they spend some time practicing mindfulness meditation they purposefully choose something calming to think about. Instead of trying “not” to think about something they purposefully think about something, which is much easier to do.

Here’s another example, if I tell you not to think about a big green elephant with a pink polka dot hat, what are you thinking about? A big green elephant with a pink polka dot hat. But, if you decide to think about a red monkey instead, your mind will think about what you are choosing to focus on. The elephant might try to enter your mind, but you continue to think about the monkey which pushes out the thought of the elephant. That’s mindfulness in a sense.

Why teenagers should learn mindfulness meditation

While life is already complicated for teenagers, it’s not going to get easier on its own. High school may feel like a challenge, but what follows tends to be more of a challenge. Students either transition to college or the workforce both of which include new environments, social settings, and responsibilities. Learning how to get stress and anxiety under control as a teenager will help set them up to make these transitions into adult life much smoother and easier than continuing on the path they are on.

Benefits of mindfulness

• Improved sleep habits – Mindfulness can help students put their minds at rest and get a better night’s sleep.

• Improved attention span – Practicing mindfulness on a regular basis can help students improve their attention span. This helps them to pay attention better in class which can lead to improved grades.

• Reduced levels of anxiety – Learning to turn from negative thoughts and stress help students to lower their anxiety levels.

• Lowers the chance of substance abuse – The Addiction Center reports that some teens with anxiety disorder turn to substances like alcohol and drugs in an effort to numb the stress that they are feeling. When they know healthy ways to handle anxiety, stress, and depression it reduces the chance that they will try to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol.

• Teaches control of emotions – In society, it’s commonly known that teenagers can be more emotional. They are dealing with a new influx of hormones and it can make them feel like they are out of control. When they practice mindfulness they learn how to connect with themselves on a deeper level and gain control of their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

How to teach your teen mindfulness meditation

There are a few ways to encourage your teen to try practicing mindfulness. The first is to simply talk to them about it and the benefits that it offers. The next is by setting the example. Show them how you use mindfulness meditation in your daily life and talk to them about the impact that it makes on you. If you preach it and don’t practice it then your teen isn’t likely to practice it either. So, take the time to make this a habit that you incorporate into your daily life. It will set a good example for your teenager and you will experience all the benefits that it offers as well.

You can also encourage them to use an app. Let’s face it, most teens are more likely to get behind something that includes technology. After all, it’s always been a part of their lives. There are plenty of high-quality apps available to help your teenager learn and practice mindfulness meditation. These apps walk them through the process of what to do and give them prompts along the way. While an app isn’t needed to practice mindfulness meditation it can be a great way to get teens to try it and learn the process. They are more likely to try an app then to sit and listen to you lead them through the process.

Don’t wait for there to be a problem

Preventative measures are always better than waiting until there is a problem. Even if you don’t think that your teenager is dealing with stress, anxiety, or depression you should still teach them how to practice mindfulness meditation. Teens are dealing with more than we think they are, and many teens aren’t going to talk to their parents about what they are going through. So, don’t wait until you know there is a problem to teach them this effective tool that can help them navigate through the difficulties they face. And, if you feel that your teen is struggling reach out to a local therapist.