Don’t Get Mad, Get Involved: Helping Your Child with Class Behavioral Issues

No parent likes hearing that their child is acting out in class. At first, most of us want to blame ourselves and figure out what we’ve done wrong. When we come up empty, we tend to put the blame on our child, and sometimes we even get angry.

The truth is, parents do the best they can and so do their children. There are a myriad of reasons why children act out at school.

Big Changes

A divorce, move to a new city, or death in the family are big life events that are hard on everyone. This is particularly true for young children who do not know how to express their feelings and have not yet developed coping mechanisms.

Sleep Issues

Has something happened to interrupt your child’s sleep patterns? Are they not getting their naps? Are they waking up frequently during the night from noisy neighbors or growing pains? Even adults act out when we don’t get proper sleep.

Self-Esteem Issues

Children develop self-esteem issues for different reasons, but one of the ramifications is changes in mood that can lead to disruptive behavior.

These are some of the reasons why your child may be acting out in school. But now the questions becomes, what can you do about it as their parent?

Talk to Your Child

First, see if you can pinpoint the cause. If it’s not something already listed, do some digging. Take your child to the doctor. Is their hearing and sight okay? Do they have any GI trouble? Are they being picked on? Are they getting enough exercise? Talk openly with your child and ask them what is going on.

Set Boundaries

If your child has never had any problems acting out in the past, they may not be clear on what is and is NOT acceptable behavior. Make it clear what you expect from that at home as well as school.

Seek Counseling

You may be able to identify and solve the issue yourself. For example, if your child was frustrated from their poor eyesight, a trip to the eye doctor may quickly solve your problems. However, if the behavioral issue stems from a big life change or poor self-esteem, you may need the assistance of a trained behavioral therapist.

If you have a child who is acting out in school and are interested in exploring treatment options, please be in touch. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Sources:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-behavioral/2018/07/8-reasons-why-your-child-might-be-having-prolonged-behavior-issues-that-arent-concerning/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/parenting-tips/2012/07/7-hints-for-setting-boundaries-with-your-kids/

https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/children-medication.aspx

A Parent’s Guide to Teen Depression and Suicide

The statistics on teen suicide are staggering. According to the Centers for Disease Control, each year, an average of 8% of American teens will attempt suicide. This makes suicide the second leading cause of death for kids aged 10 to 24. In fact, it is believed that more teenagers die from suicide than from cancer, pneumonia, birth defects, AIDS, influenza and heart disease combined.

Studies have found that teens who have presented with a mood disorder or who abuse drugs are at the greatest risk of attempting suicide. While research suggests girls attempt suicide more often, boys more often die from it.

Unfortunately, there is still much stigma surrounding depression and suicide, and so often these kids keep their emotional pain to themselves.

What can parents of teenagers do to keep their children safe and healthy?

Speak with Your Kid

Many parents believe that trying to speak with their kids about their moods and feelings will only push them farther away. This is a dangerous misconception. In reality, teenagers need to know they are safe, loved and cared for.

You may want to begin your conversation by asking general questions about what’s going on in their life. When the time feels right, you can ask if they have ever had thoughts of self-harm. If their answer alarms you, ask specifically if they are planning on or intending to harm themselves.

Validate Their Feelings

Once you’ve begun this sensitive dialogue with your teen, it’s important to actively listen and validate their feelings. Your kid must really believe you are a) hearing what they’re telling you and b) recognizing the importance of it. Try and listen without judgement. This will help your child relax and open up, thereby giving you an opportunity to learn even more about their inner emotional life.

Clarify the Situation

If your teen confides they are having thoughts of suicide, it’s incredibly important that you remain calm and ask questions that will help you clarify the situation. You will want to determine if they are mentioning suicide because they:

• Want to tell you just how bad they are feeling.

• Alert you to something they need but are not getting.

• Need to vocalize their desire to stop feeling so many emotions.

• Have actually planned how and when they will take their life.

Seek Professional Guidance

Any talk of suicide is a serious matter and requires professional guidance by a trained therapist. It’s important not to force your teen into any treatment plan, but instead, allow them to help direct the course of their plan. Some of their depression might stem from an overall lack of control they feel they have in their own life, so it’s important you let them have a voice in the direction of treatment. You may also find that you will want to speak with someone through this difficult time.

If you or a loved one is seeking treatment options for a troubled teen, please be in touch. We would be more than happy to discuss how we may be able to help your family.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.

1-800-273-8255

Parenting An Angry Teen

Raising a teenager can be one of the most challenging experiences a parent will go through. Teenagers are in an awkward stage, dealing with hormonal changes that are out of their control and a developing brain. They’re awakening to new realizations about themselves and the world around them.

Teenage rebellion is a natural phase, however, handling it as a parent is anything but natural. If you’re struggling with raising an angry teen, here are some strategies that can help.

Keep Your Cool

It may be difficult to keep your cool when your teen is yelling at you, but as the adult, it’s important that you maintain control. Refrain from yelling, cursing, or name-calling your teen. Verbal abuse will only escalate the argument and will have a long-term impact on your child and your relationship. If your child is being verbally abusive, apply consequences to their behavior and speak in a calm, matter-of-fact tone.

Accountability, Not Control

Rather than trying to control your teen and their behavior, make them accountable. Set clear boundaries, and establish rules and consequences.

Listen

It can be difficult to listen when your child is yelling or angry. Your initial reaction may be to defend yourself or criticize. Rather than offering advice or judgment, actively listen to your teen. Be silent as they express themselves, and ask questions to better understand how they’re feeling. You can also calmly express that it’s difficult to listen to them when they’re angry and yelling. By genuinely trying to listen and understand them, you can teach them how to control their emotions and express themselves calmly.

Give Them Space

When your teen is angry and wants to storm off, let them go instead of following them and trying to continue or resolve the argument. It’s healthy for both of you to give each other space and time to cool off so you can revisit the discussion when you’re both feeling calmer.

Pick Your Battles

Your teen is going through a difficult phase, and needs empathy. Remember back to the times when you were a teen to help you empathize. There will be times when your teen is making a bigger deal of something than it needs to be, and as the adult it’s your job to know when to stand your ground, and when to let things go. Talk with your spouse to set boundaries and determine priorities of issues that can be compromised, and issues that are non-negotiable.

If you’re having difficulty with your angry teenager and want some help and guidance, call our office today so we can set up an appointment to talk.

How to Manage Stress and Anxiety Over Holiday Break with the Kids

It’s that time of year again. Your child is anxiously awaiting the arrival of the holiday break. They can’t wait to be home from school, have freedom in their schedule, and are super excited about the upcoming holidays. However, while they are so excited about it, it might be causing you a lot of stress and anxiety. And, their excitement can quickly disappear as they deal with this right alongside of you.

Remember that this can be a stressful time for children as well

It’s easy to think that holiday stress only affects adults, but that’s not true. There are many children that experience stress and anxiety over the holiday season as well. Their schedules are typically turned upside down. They are staying up later and could be waking up earlier. They are running from one place to another alongside you and often don’t necessarily care for the activity that they have to participate in. Even, their regular eating habits can be challenged during a holiday filled with sweet treats.

Even if they can handle the challenges they are facing, they may be picking up on your stress and anxiety. If you’re like many adults this time of year you could be stressed over your finances as you try to purchase gifts or be dreading having to see that certain person at a holiday function. Children are more perceptive than they are given credit for. They can feel your stress and tension as you work through the holidays.

Be the example

The best way to help your child handle holiday stress is to set a calm example for them. If they see that you are becoming frazzled they are likely to follow in your shoes. Learning how to practice mindfulness is an effective way to regain control when you are starting to feel the stress of the season and your schedule. You can move your focus away from the things that are causing you stress and anxiety and change it to the positive things that are happening all around you.  You can also teach your child how to engage in this activity as well. It’s a useful skill for every person to have.

Don’t overschedule

A schedule that is packed to the brim will cause holiday stress and anxiety for both you and your child. It can be difficult to maintain balance in your schedule this time of year because there are lots of invitations that are coming your way. But, if you accept every invitation that comes your way, you and your kids will soon be exhausted. When this exhaustion sets in it’s easy to be overwhelmed by stress and anxiety.

Make sure that you schedule in downtime for your family. Set it on the calendar and make sure that you protect this time. It could be time that your child has to play quietly in their room while you read and relax,  nap time, or even time for your family to sit together and enjoy a favorite Christmas movie. It’s not important what you’re doing with that time, just that it’s purposeful downtime to unwind.

Be intentional about self-care

During the holidays you need to be even more intentional about self-care for you and your kids. Schedules are off, sleep patterns are disrupted, and there are sweets galore. Here are some tips that you can use for both you and the kiddos:

• Watch what’s going in – There’s nothing wrong with enjoying some holiday treats, but don’t forget about healthy options as well. Make sure that your family is still getting in fruits and vegetables along with drinking plenty of water. Consuming more sugar and/or caffeine than we are used to can make us feel jittery, making it harder to deal with stress. The same is true for children. If you are at a party set a limit on how many treats everyone can have before you arrive. They can still choose their favorites to enjoy but won’t overdo it.

• Take time to move – It’s hard to squeeze in exercise during the holidays when your schedule is already packed. But, making sure you take time to move is good for the whole family. Take time to walk outside together, hit the local playground and let them run around, or if you have snow enjoy sledding or building a snowman altogether. The fresh air and exercise help to alleviate stress and can improve your sleep later that night.

• Protect sleep when possible – Do your best to schedule activities that don’t interfere with the normal sleep patterns of your children. If your little one naps in the afternoon protect this time. If you have a family party that will keep them out late one night, try to follow it up with an early night in the next day. Proper sleep is important for dealing with stress and anxiety.

Change your focus

It’s so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the season that we lose sight of why we are doing it all in the first place. Work to keep your focus on the people around you during this holiday season instead of all the to-dos. Instead of stressing about having to do all the gift shopping focus on all the reasons you want to purchase the gifts you are getting. Spend time appreciating those you love. Help your child to see the reason behind everything that’s being done during this busy time of year. Remind your entire family about the purpose of celebrating.

It can also be helpful to take your focus off your family entirely. Schedule a time to serve together at a homeless shelter, or purchase gifts for a family in need. Look for ways to be a blessing to others. Sometimes seeing the situations of others can help put our stress and anxiety into proper perspective.

For those times when it’s too much…

While stress and anxiety is something that all people deal with in one way or another, it’s not something to be taken lightly. If you or your child is becoming overwhelmed with it then it’s time to schedule an appointment with a local therapist. They can help you get to the root cause of the stress and teach you practical steps that can help you deal with it effectively.

The Benefits of Mindfulness Meditation for Teens

Life is a lot more complicated for teenagers than most adults give them credit for. Many teenagers are balancing schoolwork with part-time jobs, sports, and an active social life. There are plenty of studies out there that have found teenagers are even more stressed out than adults.  And, it’s a growing problem. Statistics show that there is a higher percentage of teenagers that experience stress, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts than in the past. There are many different theories on why this is happening but regardless of the reason, it’s important that teenagers learn ways to effectively handle stress and anxiety. One way they can do this is through mindfulness meditation.

What is mindfulness meditation?

You’re probably familiar with the term meditation, but mindfulness is something many aren’t familiar with. When you practice mindfulness you are purposefully filling your mind with something. You are choosing to focus on something. It could be your breathing, a phrase, a body part, or an image. The important part is that what you are focusing on is something that is going to help you relax along with calming your mind and body.

Mindfulness works because it helps you replace your stressful thoughts and anxiety with something positive. For example, if a teenager is stressed out about an upcoming test at school they may be able to think of little else. That means they may lose sleep over it, have a more difficult time studying, and lose enjoyment in other areas of their life. Their mind is consumed with the anxiety and stress over the test. You can tell them not to think about it, but that’s easier said than done. If they spend some time practicing mindfulness meditation they purposefully choose something calming to think about. Instead of trying “not” to think about something they purposefully think about something, which is much easier to do.

Here’s another example, if I tell you not to think about a big green elephant with a pink polka dot hat, what are you thinking about? A big green elephant with a pink polka dot hat. But, if you decide to think about a red monkey instead, your mind will think about what you are choosing to focus on. The elephant might try to enter your mind, but you continue to think about the monkey which pushes out the thought of the elephant. That’s mindfulness in a sense.

Why teenagers should learn mindfulness meditation

While life is already complicated for teenagers, it’s not going to get easier on its own. High school may feel like a challenge, but what follows tends to be more of a challenge. Students either transition to college or the workforce both of which include new environments, social settings, and responsibilities. Learning how to get stress and anxiety under control as a teenager will help set them up to make these transitions into adult life much smoother and easier than continuing on the path they are on.

Benefits of mindfulness

• Improved sleep habits – Mindfulness can help students put their minds at rest and get a better night’s sleep.

• Improved attention span – Practicing mindfulness on a regular basis can help students improve their attention span. This helps them to pay attention better in class which can lead to improved grades.

• Reduced levels of anxiety – Learning to turn from negative thoughts and stress help students to lower their anxiety levels.

• Lowers the chance of substance abuse – The Addiction Center reports that some teens with anxiety disorder turn to substances like alcohol and drugs in an effort to numb the stress that they are feeling. When they know healthy ways to handle anxiety, stress, and depression it reduces the chance that they will try to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol.

• Teaches control of emotions – In society, it’s commonly known that teenagers can be more emotional. They are dealing with a new influx of hormones and it can make them feel like they are out of control. When they practice mindfulness they learn how to connect with themselves on a deeper level and gain control of their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

How to teach your teen mindfulness meditation

There are a few ways to encourage your teen to try practicing mindfulness. The first is to simply talk to them about it and the benefits that it offers. The next is by setting the example. Show them how you use mindfulness meditation in your daily life and talk to them about the impact that it makes on you. If you preach it and don’t practice it then your teen isn’t likely to practice it either. So, take the time to make this a habit that you incorporate into your daily life. It will set a good example for your teenager and you will experience all the benefits that it offers as well.

You can also encourage them to use an app. Let’s face it, most teens are more likely to get behind something that includes technology. After all, it’s always been a part of their lives. There are plenty of high-quality apps available to help your teenager learn and practice mindfulness meditation. These apps walk them through the process of what to do and give them prompts along the way. While an app isn’t needed to practice mindfulness meditation it can be a great way to get teens to try it and learn the process. They are more likely to try an app then to sit and listen to you lead them through the process.

Don’t wait for there to be a problem

Preventative measures are always better than waiting until there is a problem. Even if you don’t think that your teenager is dealing with stress, anxiety, or depression you should still teach them how to practice mindfulness meditation. Teens are dealing with more than we think they are, and many teens aren’t going to talk to their parents about what they are going through. So, don’t wait until you know there is a problem to teach them this effective tool that can help them navigate through the difficulties they face. And, if you feel that your teen is struggling reach out to a local therapist.

New Ways to Reconnect with Your Teen & Why They Need You More Than Ever

There’s an intense debate swirling around us as to the state of teenage-dom in the today’s world. Is bullying an old thing that’s getting new attention? Or is it quantitatively or qualitatively worse? Are kids less resilient than ever before, or are the pressures just that much greater? Are they meaner to one another? Or is cruelty just more visible than it was before?

There could be some truth to all of this, or none of it, or some of it. Regardless, it seems pretty clear that the teen years are at least as tough as they always were, and more complicated to boot. One thing that is definitely different for today’s teens is the degree to which they are interconnected by social media. And that means that whatever is going on is harder to get away from. It used to be if something embarrassing happened at school, you could get clear when the bell rang at 3 and by the next day the new drama du jour would take precedence. Now, the horrors of the day are kept alive indefinitely by retweets, shares, likes, dislikes, and every other mechanism of social media longevity. Events—the good, the bad, and the ugly—are broadcast far and wide and spread like wildfire.

More than ever, teens need safe spaces. They don’t know enough to create safety for themselves by unplugging from that which is causing them distress. The allure of monitoring social media interactions (even when it’s a thorn in the side) lures teens into staying wired in to a medium that may very well be causing them deep pain, like being unable to look away from a train wreck.

Five Ways to Reconnect With Your Teen

1. Spend some quality time with your teen on his/her terms, and yours

Treating your teen to something they love on their terms can be a great bridge and a way to create a safe and relaxing space. Suggest an outing on your time and dime, with the gentle caveat that you both will leave the phones in the car. Then you can both focus on each other, and even if your teen is – well, a distracted teen—they’ll know you care enough about focusing on them to leave your outside distractions behind as well.

1. Write your teen a real note or letter

No, it doesn’t have to be 1,000 words or more. In fact, they probably won’t read it if it is. But taking the time to handwrite your teen a note reminding them that you are proud of him/her, that you love him/her, or that you’re always there for him/her really sends the message that you care enough to find a pen, paper, and envelope, when text is so much more convenient.

1. Surprise your teen with an experience you can share

Teens are surrounded by a culture of material one-upmanship. Phones, fashions, cars, sports gear, scholarships, trips . . . there’s an arms race of stuff wherever they look. Help your teen reconnect with you and with some non-material goodness by digging in to free experiences that aren’t about things or about being passively entertained. Go hiking or fishing, visit a museum, or volunteer together.

1. Engage about something beyond your teen’s immediate environment

Use a short magazine or newspaper article to engage your teen on what he/she thinks about a world event or other important topic bigger than him/herself. Not as an opportunity to educate them, just as an opener to a meaningful dialogue about the world beyond their immediate concerns. Let them know you’re interested in what they think, genuinely, because you value him/her as a person and a global citizen.

1. Make sure you’re present when you’re with your teen

If you are responding to texts or emails while your teen is talking to you, you are sending the message that they are not worthy of your undivided attention. Very few things are a sucking chest wound, and chances are, you can respond to that text in fifteen minutes just as well as you can right now. When you spend time with your teen, make sure your actions convey that you value your connection. When you are juggling your focus on your teen with umpteen other individuals who are trying to reach you, you are sending the message that they are just another ball up in the air of your busy day.

Your teen needs you more than ever. Even if nothing troubling is “going on” per se, you want your teen to feel connected enough to you that they will reach out if something does come up. By constantly tending to the connection on a regular basis, you are establishing important groundwork that will serve you well as a parent and your teen well as he/she matures and faces new challenges.