How to Stay Focused in Order to Achieve Peace of Mind

If you’ve been struggling with anxiety, stress, or depression then the phrase “peace of mind” might sound like something from a fairytale.  But I can assure you that “peace of mind” really does exist. And not only that, it’s something that you can accomplish in your own life. Some people mistakenly believe that peace of mind is something that you only experience when things in your life are trouble-free, but that’s not true.

Peace of mind and focus go hand-in-hand. Therefore, when you learn how to stay focused and gain control of your thoughts, you are able to experience peace of mind. If you lack the ability to focus, it’s difficult to experience peace.  The more you develop this habit, the easier it will be to live in a state of constant peace.

What is peace of mind?

If you look up the phrase “peace of mind” on the Merriam Webster website it defines it as, “a feeling of being safe or protected”. However, I believe that the British definition found on collinsdictionary.com is more accurate, “the absence of worry”. It’s achieving a calm state of mind regardless of your situation and circumstances.

The most important step to achieving peace is to acknowledge the fact that you have control over your mind, including your thoughts and how you respond to others. If you refuse to take responsibility for your reactions to others than you will never live in peace. However, when you accept that you are in control of how you respond to people and situations you can begin to make progress in this area instead of living controlled by things that are happening around you.

Here are 7 tips to help you stay focused in order to experience peace of mind.

1. Learn to practice mindfulness meditation

If you have been leery of trying meditation because you aren’t “spiritual” then you should know that scientific studies are being conducted that back the benefits of meditation. One such example is the Cognitive Aging and Long-Term Maintenance of Attentional Improvements Following Meditation Training, published in the Journal of Cognitive Enhancement which states, “The present study is the first to offer evidence that intensive and continued meditation practice is associated with enduring improvements in sustained attention and response inhibition, with the potential to alter longitudinal trajectories of cognitive change across the lifespan.”

That’s fancy wording for basically saying that the study was promising in showing that doing meditation helps to improve your brain’s ability to focus now and in the future. While some people use meditation for spiritual purposes it doesn’t have to be used that way. The physical and emotional benefits are something that anyone can benefit from.

Mindfulness meditation teaches you how to be present in the moment. This allows you to push out the worrying and nagging thoughts that creep into your mind. It helps you take control of anxiety and stress. This allows you to experience peace even if things in life aren’t perfect. And, the physical benefits are numerous. You can read more about the benefits of mediation in my blog post How Practicing Mindfulness Can Change Your Life.

2. Limit your use of social media

There are things that are good about social media, but there are also lots of studies that show the ways that it can be harmful to the mental health of its users. The use of social media tends to cause us to compare the good, the bad, and the ugly of our lives with the highlight reel that friends and family are sharing. The messy parts of your life are never going to compare with the highlights that other people are sharing. Therefore, if you are struggling with peace and constantly find yourself comparing yourself to others on social media it can be best to stay off the platforms.

Social media is also a distraction. It feeds our FOMO (fear of missing out) craving. With access to social media on our phones, it’s easy to be tempted into stopping what you are trying to work on or think about in order to “check” what’s going on with friends and family.

3. Let go of the past

Getting hung up on the things that have happened in the past make it difficult to stay focused on the present and the future. Focusing our attention on things that we cannot change makes it difficult to maintain peace of mind. If there is something from the past that you can correct, then do it. Otherwise, it’s time to forgive others, forgive yourself, and move on.

4. Believe the best in others

It is much easier to maintain peace of mind when you let things roll off your back. If often see the actions of others as a personal insult or assault, you will remain in a constant state of frustration. Your thoughts will feel out of control and you will quickly lose your peace. However, if you focus on believing the best in others you are shifting your thoughts which will make finding peace much easier.

5. Choose your battles carefully

If you make it your personal mission to correct everyone that is doing something you don’t agree with you are going to live in a constant state of strife. And, it will be near impossible to keep your mind focused on what you want to focus on. Just like parents are taught to choose their battles with their children, you want to do the same thing with the people and situations you face daily.

For example, you might not agree with a conversation that is happening between your coworker and your boss, but if you are not part of the conversation it’s best to stay out of it. If you choose to involve yourself you could be putting yourself in a position of choosing sides, putting your job at risk, and adding stress that you don’t want in your life.

6. Make time to journal

Journaling is a great way to release those thoughts that are bogging down your mind. You can write out your stresses and worries and then once they are out of your head, release them altogether. Some people like to rip up or burn the paper as a symbolic way of showing that they are letting go of those thoughts.

Journaling also helps you to process through situations and see things in a different light. Take the time to write about your day, learn from it, and move on from it.

7. Incorporate times of silence and solitude into your schedule

Constantly being in the hustle and bustle of life is a sure-fire way to lose peace of mind and focus. This doesn’t mean that you should avoid people at all costs, however, taking time to get away from everyone else and be in total silence can help you to reconnect with yourself. If you find that you have lost all peace, you might need to take a solitude retreat. You could get away for a weekend alone or simply an afternoon. Find a quiet place to retreat to. Allow yourself to think about the thoughts that have been rolling around in your head. Then, decide how to deal with those thoughts. Allow yourself to recharge during this time.

Sometimes it can be difficult to realize what we are thinking and how those thoughts are impacting us. If you are struggling to obtain peace of mind you could benefit from a conversation with a local therapist. They know the right questions to ask to help you get to the root of your struggle. Then, they can provide you with actionable steps to help you find and live in peace.

How Yoga Can Reduce Stress and Anxiety and Help You Find Serenity

There are so many reasons why people experience stress and anxiety. It could be due to health problems, work problems, finances, or relationship challenges. It can be from one situation in your life or a mix of many. While the variables are different from one person to the next, the thing that is the same for everyone is that stress and anxiety are not going to just go away. We will all continue to face situations and challenges that cause us to worry. However, yoga can help you learn how to reduce those feelings of stress and find serenity in your life, even in the midst of difficult times.

What is yoga?

If you’ve never tried yoga before you might have a skewed idea of what it is. Most people think of what they see on TV – people sitting on the floor with their legs crossed, hands resting on knees, and saying “om”. But, there is a lot more to yoga than what you see on television. The other thing people usually associate yoga with is exercise. While yoga can be used to improve flexibility and develop strength, that is only a small portion of what it’s able to help you achieve.

If you start researching what yoga is online you can quickly become overwhelmed by the depth of information. So, the simplest definition I could find for you is from Yogapedia. It says, “Yoga is a physical, mental and spiritual practice that originated in ancient India. It became popular in the West in the 20th century. The word, yoga, comes from the Sanskrit yuj, which means ‘to yoke’ and ‘samadhi’ or ‘concentration.’ Thus, yoga is the practice that aims to join the mind, body and spirit. The ultimate goal of yoga is to achieve liberation.”

Ways that yoga reduces stress and anxiety

Helps you physically relax

You may not realize it at the time, but when you are stressed or anxious your body holds onto that tension. This is one reason you experience symptoms such as headaches, sore muscles (shoulders and back), racing heart, and even eye twitching when you are experiencing high levels of stress. You won’t find serenity when your body is holding onto tension.

The practice of yoga uses deep breathing which helps to calm you from inside out. We tend to take shallow quick breathes when we are under stress. When you begin to focus on taking deep breaths it helps to slow your heart and begin to release the tension from your body. And, as you move through the different postures you increase the amount of oxygen and blood that is flowing to the different parts of your body.

Helps you to relax your mind

When we are stressed or anxious about something we tend to focus on it constantly. Even if there is nothing we can do about a situation at the moment we think about it over and over. It seems to consume our thoughts. As you focus on your breathing throughout yoga it takes your mind off the thing that is causing you stress. It removes you from thinking about past failure or future stresses and puts you in the moment. It begins to connect your mind with your body.

Helps you learn to practice mindfulness and meditation

Mindfulness and mediation usually go hand-in-hand with practicing yoga. As you learn to sit in poses you can practice meditating and practicing mindfulness to learn to control your thinking. While it’s easier to learn this skill while you’re sitting on a yoga mat, it’s something that you can practice in everyday life. For example, if you have learned how to practice mindfulness through the use of yoga you can put it into practice next time you are at work and start to experience high levels of stress. Learning how to control and focus your thoughts goes a long way in helping you find serenity in your life.

Helps you to release emotional energy

When we are in stressful situations we can build up a lot of emotional energy. When we don’t have a healthy way to release this energy it often comes out through a short temper with those that we love. Allowing yourself to respond in this way to stress repeatedly can eventually damage relationships deeply. As you move through yoga poses your body releases this energy that you are holding on to. When you are finished your body will feel more relaxed and your head will be more clear. It helps enable you to handle the other small frustrations in life without turning them into a much larger problem.

Finding serenity should be a priority

I understand that your life is full of people and things that are fighting for your attention. There aren’t many people that are sitting around just waiting for something to do. Most of our schedules are overwhelmed with activities to choose from. And, as life goes on, there will be challenging and difficult situations that will arise. Some are consequences of our own decisions and others are things that we have no control over at all. And, that’s why we need to prioritize finding serenity in life.

Tranquility, serenity, and peace are not going to just find you. But, stress, worry, and anxiety will. Do you know someone that always seems to be at peace? They aren’t easily riled up and they seem to have an unshakable calm about them. They are like this because they are choosing to respond this way to what life throws at them and you can too. Yoga can help you learn the deep breathing techniques and mindfulness meditation that helps you reduce stress and anxiety. But, if you are struggling and feel that the weight of your anxiety is crushing you, please seek professional help as well. Yoga is a great tool, but it’s just one tool. Schedule an appointment with a local therapist who can help you discover all the resources and tools that you can use to manage your stress and anxiety in a healthy way.

How to Manage Stress and Anxiety Over Holiday Break with the Kids

It’s that time of year again. Your child is anxiously awaiting the arrival of the holiday break. They can’t wait to be home from school, have freedom in their schedule, and are super excited about the upcoming holidays. However, while they are so excited about it, it might be causing you a lot of stress and anxiety. And, their excitement can quickly disappear as they deal with this right alongside of you.

Remember that this can be a stressful time for children as well

It’s easy to think that holiday stress only affects adults, but that’s not true. There are many children that experience stress and anxiety over the holiday season as well. Their schedules are typically turned upside down. They are staying up later and could be waking up earlier. They are running from one place to another alongside you and often don’t necessarily care for the activity that they have to participate in. Even, their regular eating habits can be challenged during a holiday filled with sweet treats.

Even if they can handle the challenges they are facing, they may be picking up on your stress and anxiety. If you’re like many adults this time of year you could be stressed over your finances as you try to purchase gifts or be dreading having to see that certain person at a holiday function. Children are more perceptive than they are given credit for. They can feel your stress and tension as you work through the holidays.

Be the example

The best way to help your child handle holiday stress is to set a calm example for them. If they see that you are becoming frazzled they are likely to follow in your shoes. Learning how to practice mindfulness is an effective way to regain control when you are starting to feel the stress of the season and your schedule. You can move your focus away from the things that are causing you stress and anxiety and change it to the positive things that are happening all around you.  You can also teach your child how to engage in this activity as well. It’s a useful skill for every person to have.

Don’t overschedule

A schedule that is packed to the brim will cause holiday stress and anxiety for both you and your child. It can be difficult to maintain balance in your schedule this time of year because there are lots of invitations that are coming your way. But, if you accept every invitation that comes your way, you and your kids will soon be exhausted. When this exhaustion sets in it’s easy to be overwhelmed by stress and anxiety.

Make sure that you schedule in downtime for your family. Set it on the calendar and make sure that you protect this time. It could be time that your child has to play quietly in their room while you read and relax,  nap time, or even time for your family to sit together and enjoy a favorite Christmas movie. It’s not important what you’re doing with that time, just that it’s purposeful downtime to unwind.

Be intentional about self-care

During the holidays you need to be even more intentional about self-care for you and your kids. Schedules are off, sleep patterns are disrupted, and there are sweets galore. Here are some tips that you can use for both you and the kiddos:

• Watch what’s going in – There’s nothing wrong with enjoying some holiday treats, but don’t forget about healthy options as well. Make sure that your family is still getting in fruits and vegetables along with drinking plenty of water. Consuming more sugar and/or caffeine than we are used to can make us feel jittery, making it harder to deal with stress. The same is true for children. If you are at a party set a limit on how many treats everyone can have before you arrive. They can still choose their favorites to enjoy but won’t overdo it.

• Take time to move – It’s hard to squeeze in exercise during the holidays when your schedule is already packed. But, making sure you take time to move is good for the whole family. Take time to walk outside together, hit the local playground and let them run around, or if you have snow enjoy sledding or building a snowman altogether. The fresh air and exercise help to alleviate stress and can improve your sleep later that night.

• Protect sleep when possible – Do your best to schedule activities that don’t interfere with the normal sleep patterns of your children. If your little one naps in the afternoon protect this time. If you have a family party that will keep them out late one night, try to follow it up with an early night in the next day. Proper sleep is important for dealing with stress and anxiety.

Change your focus

It’s so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the season that we lose sight of why we are doing it all in the first place. Work to keep your focus on the people around you during this holiday season instead of all the to-dos. Instead of stressing about having to do all the gift shopping focus on all the reasons you want to purchase the gifts you are getting. Spend time appreciating those you love. Help your child to see the reason behind everything that’s being done during this busy time of year. Remind your entire family about the purpose of celebrating.

It can also be helpful to take your focus off your family entirely. Schedule a time to serve together at a homeless shelter, or purchase gifts for a family in need. Look for ways to be a blessing to others. Sometimes seeing the situations of others can help put our stress and anxiety into proper perspective.

For those times when it’s too much…

While stress and anxiety is something that all people deal with in one way or another, it’s not something to be taken lightly. If you or your child is becoming overwhelmed with it then it’s time to schedule an appointment with a local therapist. They can help you get to the root cause of the stress and teach you practical steps that can help you deal with it effectively.

The Benefits of Mindfulness Meditation for Teens

Life is a lot more complicated for teenagers than most adults give them credit for. Many teenagers are balancing schoolwork with part-time jobs, sports, and an active social life. There are plenty of studies out there that have found teenagers are even more stressed out than adults.  And, it’s a growing problem. Statistics show that there is a higher percentage of teenagers that experience stress, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts than in the past. There are many different theories on why this is happening but regardless of the reason, it’s important that teenagers learn ways to effectively handle stress and anxiety. One way they can do this is through mindfulness meditation.

What is mindfulness meditation?

You’re probably familiar with the term meditation, but mindfulness is something many aren’t familiar with. When you practice mindfulness you are purposefully filling your mind with something. You are choosing to focus on something. It could be your breathing, a phrase, a body part, or an image. The important part is that what you are focusing on is something that is going to help you relax along with calming your mind and body.

Mindfulness works because it helps you replace your stressful thoughts and anxiety with something positive. For example, if a teenager is stressed out about an upcoming test at school they may be able to think of little else. That means they may lose sleep over it, have a more difficult time studying, and lose enjoyment in other areas of their life. Their mind is consumed with the anxiety and stress over the test. You can tell them not to think about it, but that’s easier said than done. If they spend some time practicing mindfulness meditation they purposefully choose something calming to think about. Instead of trying “not” to think about something they purposefully think about something, which is much easier to do.

Here’s another example, if I tell you not to think about a big green elephant with a pink polka dot hat, what are you thinking about? A big green elephant with a pink polka dot hat. But, if you decide to think about a red monkey instead, your mind will think about what you are choosing to focus on. The elephant might try to enter your mind, but you continue to think about the monkey which pushes out the thought of the elephant. That’s mindfulness in a sense.

Why teenagers should learn mindfulness meditation

While life is already complicated for teenagers, it’s not going to get easier on its own. High school may feel like a challenge, but what follows tends to be more of a challenge. Students either transition to college or the workforce both of which include new environments, social settings, and responsibilities. Learning how to get stress and anxiety under control as a teenager will help set them up to make these transitions into adult life much smoother and easier than continuing on the path they are on.

Benefits of mindfulness

• Improved sleep habits – Mindfulness can help students put their minds at rest and get a better night’s sleep.

• Improved attention span – Practicing mindfulness on a regular basis can help students improve their attention span. This helps them to pay attention better in class which can lead to improved grades.

• Reduced levels of anxiety – Learning to turn from negative thoughts and stress help students to lower their anxiety levels.

• Lowers the chance of substance abuse – The Addiction Center reports that some teens with anxiety disorder turn to substances like alcohol and drugs in an effort to numb the stress that they are feeling. When they know healthy ways to handle anxiety, stress, and depression it reduces the chance that they will try to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol.

• Teaches control of emotions – In society, it’s commonly known that teenagers can be more emotional. They are dealing with a new influx of hormones and it can make them feel like they are out of control. When they practice mindfulness they learn how to connect with themselves on a deeper level and gain control of their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

How to teach your teen mindfulness meditation

There are a few ways to encourage your teen to try practicing mindfulness. The first is to simply talk to them about it and the benefits that it offers. The next is by setting the example. Show them how you use mindfulness meditation in your daily life and talk to them about the impact that it makes on you. If you preach it and don’t practice it then your teen isn’t likely to practice it either. So, take the time to make this a habit that you incorporate into your daily life. It will set a good example for your teenager and you will experience all the benefits that it offers as well.

You can also encourage them to use an app. Let’s face it, most teens are more likely to get behind something that includes technology. After all, it’s always been a part of their lives. There are plenty of high-quality apps available to help your teenager learn and practice mindfulness meditation. These apps walk them through the process of what to do and give them prompts along the way. While an app isn’t needed to practice mindfulness meditation it can be a great way to get teens to try it and learn the process. They are more likely to try an app then to sit and listen to you lead them through the process.

Don’t wait for there to be a problem

Preventative measures are always better than waiting until there is a problem. Even if you don’t think that your teenager is dealing with stress, anxiety, or depression you should still teach them how to practice mindfulness meditation. Teens are dealing with more than we think they are, and many teens aren’t going to talk to their parents about what they are going through. So, don’t wait until you know there is a problem to teach them this effective tool that can help them navigate through the difficulties they face. And, if you feel that your teen is struggling reach out to a local therapist.

Holiday Stress: 5 Tips to Manage It This Year

It seems like the holiday season starts earlier and earlier every year. Once September hits the aisles throughout stores become an odd mix of decorations for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all at once. Then November 1st rolls around and homes become a mix of pilgrims and pumpkin spice with Christmas trees and Jingle Bells. Along with the decorations, there seems to come am an expectation that everyone should be happy and overjoyed during the holidays. But, for many, this isn’t the case because “the most wonderful time of the year” brings with it a lot of holiday stress. If this is you, you don’t need to let the stress of the season steal your joy.

Holiday stress management tips

1. Get and stay organized

Life is already busy for most people but during the holidays it hits a new level. There are holiday parties, cookie swaps, presents to buy, cards to send, and school concerts to attend. And, along with all of that, your normal life and work responsibilities still need to be handled. With so many things going on at once, it’s easy to have something accidentally fall through the cracks.

Spend five minutes sitting down with pen and paper and do a massive brain dump. Write down every to-do that is on your mind, ingredient that needs to be bought, and event that you can’t forget to attend. Get it all in one place and then start sorting it out. Create a grocery shopping list, present shopping list, event list, and to-do list.

Once you have your lists, find a way to store them that will be easy for you to check on a regular basis. You could put the list in your purse or wallet or choose an app to use. A few effective apps to choose from include, Evernote, Asana, and Cozi. You can even add the lists to one of these apps and share it with other members of your family to easily divvy up the responsibilities.

Make sure that you enter any important dates and reminders into your calendar. Schedule time to go shopping, bake cookies, and wrap the presents. And, don’t forget to schedule time for self-care (check out #5 for more details).

2. Take control of your budget

If you are feeling stressed over your finances this holiday season many people can identify with you. A study by creditcard.com found that of those surveyed, 65% were losing sleep over their finances. And, the holidays tend to bring added expenses. Here are a few ways to take control of your holiday spending:

• Create a holiday budget for presents and don’t allow yourself to go over it.

• Don’t forget the little things. Presents aren’t the only added expense this time of year. Make sure you budget for things like a Christmas tree if you buy a live one, a larger grocery budget, gift wrap, and travel if you will be visiting family.

• Start shopping early. If you wait until the last minute you will be paying last minute prices and have a limited selection to choose from.

• Don’t get caught up in the deals. It’s easy this time of year to overspend because you think you are getting a deal. Before you buy anything, comparison shop the price (there are apps to make it easy), make sure it’s something you need, and that you have the budget for it. “Buy 2 Get 1 free” is not a good deal if you don’t really need two of those items. And, the best deals aren’t always found on Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Don’t feel bullied into having to buy.

3. Be mindful

Being mindful is simply the act of purposefully filling your mind with something positive or neutral so you don’t allow room for the negative and stressful thoughts. When your mind starts running and you feel your blood pressure starting to rise, shift your mind to something else. It could be the thought of sitting on a beautiful beach in the warm sunshine feeling the sand between your toes while you listen to the lapping waves on the shore or the happy faces of your excited children shining in the lights of the Christmas tree. It’s up to you to actively choose what works for you.

You can also use mindfulness to stay present in the current moment. For example, instead of stressing over your growing to-do list as you attend a holiday party fill your thoughts with what you are currently doing. Take in the smiling faces all around you, listen to the sounds of laughing and holiday music while smelling the freshly baked sweets. Let your senses go to work for you in helping you shift your focus from your stress to what you could be enjoying now.

4. Set boundaries

It’s ok to admit that you are only one person and can’t do it all. In fact, it’s good for your mental health to come to grips with this fact. You don’t have to attend every event, bake every treat, and volunteer every time you are asked this holiday season. Start early by establishing boundaries for yourself. Decide where you need to draw the line and then don’t be afraid to say “No” when the activity or event doesn’t line up with what fits within your boundaries.

Here are a few things to remember:

• Your to-do list doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s list. If you decided that you don’t want to participate in any cookie swaps this year because you don’t want to add the extra stress of baking 5 dozen cookies, then you don’t have to. Simply explain that you aren’t doing extra baking this year, or don’t give a reason at all. You don’t need to provide reasons to others on why you are saying no.

• Someone else’s lack of planning is not your emergency. If you are the go-to person that always swoops in last minute to save everyone else from their own mistakes let them know early that you aren’t doing it this year. Then, stick to it. You don’t need to drop your own plans to help someone else that wasn’t properly prepared.

5. Practice self-care

If you’re looking for how to relieve stress this holiday season, then self-care is where you need to focus. Don’t let your busy schedule break your normal routine. If you run yourself ragged, you will be too tired to enjoy the events you are working so hard for.

• Stay active. Exercise is a great way to reduce holiday stress. Look for ways to stay active whether it’s a power walk around the mall or squeezing in a short workout in the morning. Exercise gives you an outlet for stress and releases all those mood-boosting endorphins. It can also help you get better rest at night.

• Watch what you’re eating. Loading up on sugary treats throughout the season can be difficult on your system. I’m not saying don’t allow yourself to enjoy what the season has to offer, but make sure you are getting the food your body needs as well. This also helps you avoid the sugar crash that comes with overindulging on sweets and the guilt that comes along with it.

• Schedule me-time. It’s important that you set aside time to rest during the holiday season. Plan out times to do things that help you recharge.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help

It’s ok to ask for help this holiday season. This could be help with your ever-growing to-do list or just help for yourself.  If you are experiencing grief, depression, anger, or just going through a rough time in life you might not feel full of joy like you “think” you should. Find a trusted family member or friend that you can confide in, or, contact a therapist in your area.

Don’t allow the stress of the season to steal your joy. If you don’t accomplish everything you thought you were going to, it’s okay. We spend so much time trying to stress to children the real reason for the holidays and sometimes we need to give ourselves the same reminder.

How Practicing Mindfulness Can Change Your Life

“Mindfulness” is a word that’s gotten a lot of attention lately. It sounds good, it’s usually accompanied by calming images that look very appealing, and most of us accept on principle that mindfulness must be a good thing. If you have a sense that mindfulness is something that you need more of—but you’re a little sheepish to admit that you’re not entirely sure exactly what it is—don’t worry. You are so not alone.

You may have heard of mindfulness in the context of some other concepts – yoga, meditation, therapeutic strategies, and relaxation skills—and that’s because mindfulness really does have a place in a variety of different approaches to stress management, focus, and wellness. At its most basic level, mindfulness is a self-chosen, self-directed way of thinking that allows us to disengage from stressors that seem all-consuming.

Yes, mindfulness is a wonderful thing!  Let’s take a moment to reflect on what mindfulness really means – and also what it isn’t—and then consider how incorporating a practice of mindfulness into our lives can be a really powerful and pragmatic life tool.

The best way to understand mindfulness is to break the word down into its component parts. The word mindful is literally a combination of the words “mind” and “full”. To be “mindful” is to deliberately pay attention to or fill one’s mind with a specific point of focus. That’s why mindfulness meditations always have some point or object . . . the breath, a mantra or phrase, an image, a particular part of the body, etc. When we engage in mindfulness practices, we deliberately and purposefully fill our mind with one point of focus.

Just as we can focus our attention on anything, we can also fill our minds with anything we choose. Mindfulness is a kind of exercise in focus. Mindfulness is different than focus in the sense that the point of focus has been identified expressly for the purpose of creating relaxation, stillness, soothing, and calm.

Often, we become hyper focused on a stressor or problem. It might seem as if—and you might have yourself saying to another person—“I just can’t stop thinking about ______!” This can feel very true when we’re preoccupied or overwhelmed.

And to some degree, this is true: we’re not wired to stop thinking in general, let alone about something stressful. If we could stop thinking, something would be terribly wrong. Our brains are designed to think. A much more practical and viable alternative to stopping thinking about something stressful is to engage in mindfulness, or the deliberate practice of focusing our attention on one thing so that it does not become engaged by another (the stressor).

Here’s an example of how mindfulness works when it comes to “stopping thinking” about something stressful or upsetting:

Let’s pretend you “can’t stop thinking” about something someone at work said to you during a meeting. You feel hurt and disregarded, and it seems like you can’t stop replaying the whole thing in your head over and over, and getting upset all over again.

The replay of this stressor has a number of elements. One is the visual memory: the setting, who was there, etc. Another element is words . . . the words that the person said and maybe what you said in response (or didn’t say but wish you had). Your “mind is full” of the images and words that make up this event.

Minds are a little bit like record players . . . they can only play one track at a time. Similarly, you can only replay one set of words and images at a time. If you mindfully focus (fill your mind) on a neutral or soothing phrase (that you read, verbally repeat, or write), you literally cannot focus on the words of the stressful conversation. It doesn’t matter if the phrase is a bible verse, a nursery rhyme, a Sanskrit mantra, or a Clint Eastwood movie line … your mind will not be able to play those words and the words from the upsetting event. If you deliberately work to mentally picture a relaxing beach or patio, or focus on an actual picture, you cannot simultaneously picture the conference table from the meeting at the same time. Mindfulness is the deliberate activity of filling one’s mind with pleasant, soothing, or neutral sensory input so that no room exists to be filled by the most recent stressor.

If there is a tricky part of mindfulness, it’s deciding to do it. There’s a part of us that—no matter how much we may say we want to stop thinking about the stressor—doesn’t in fact want to stop. Most of us get a slightly addictive and of course completely false sense of control by hyper focusing on a problem, even though doing so makes us miserable.

Try it. Next time you find yourself obsessing about an unpleasant interaction you had with someone, just pause and start saying the word “sunshine” to yourself out loud, while picturing a sun-drenched landscape. This is mindfully focusing on sunshine. And there will be no room for any distressing thoughts.

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