When You Love an Addict – 6 Things You Should Know

All relationships go through ups and downs. It’s normal. They are made up of two imperfect people trying to make it work together. But when you add addiction into the relationship it takes those “normal” ups and downs and turns them into a wild rollercoaster that leaves you feeling like you are barely hanging on. The good times provide you with just enough hope that you start to believe it really is going to get better. But then a bad time comes and you aren’t sure what to do. If you didn’t love them it would be easy to walk away. But you do, so you feel at a loss of how to handle the situation. Below are 6 things you should know when you love an addict.

1. Set boundaries

It’s important to establish healthy boundaries with your loved one. If they continue to break your trust and abuse you in any way, you do not want to continue to allow those behaviors to continue. You need to set firm and clear boundaries. Communicate them with the other person so they understand what the boundaries are and what will happen if they choose to ignore them. These boundaries are in place to protect you so it’s important that you stick to them once you have established them.

Here’s how a boundary works. If you set the boundary that “I will not lie or ‘cover’ for you anymore.” you need to communicate that to your loved one. Tell him in those exact words that you are done covering so others won’t know what’s going on or so he won’t look bad. Then, follow through. The first time that he misses your daughter’s basketball game because of his addiction, don’t make up an excuse as to why he isn’t there. This will feel like one of the hardest things you’ve ever done especially if you haven’t set boundaries in the past, but you have to follow through if you want it to work.

Examples of other boundaries you might want to set include:

• I will not help you out if you are arrested or in legal trouble.

• You will not use drugs or alcohol around me or in the house.

• I will not financially support the addiction or other areas of life if all their money is going to support their addiction.

• I will not wait to have dinner until you arrive when you are late.

2. Allow them to suffer natural consequences

When you love an addict it’s painful to see them hurting even if it frustrates you that their actions caused the pain. This feeling, along with not wanting to be without our loved one, can lead to codependency. You don’t want to lose that person, so you cover for them and try to make their life easier. However, while you might be doing this to show love or receive love, it’s also enabling them to continue with their addiction. If you really love them then you need to allow them to suffer the natural consequences of their choices.

That means they could lose their job if they are always late because of their addiction, or they have damaged relationships with others because of lies they have told, or they have financial trouble because they aren’t being responsible with their money. If you always bail them out they will never experience the consequence, and the pain of the consequence is often needed to show them why they need to break the addiction and change.

3. Encourage them to seek help

You can only do so much to help your loved one with their addiction. Encourage them to seek professional help. This could be meeting with a local therapist or joining a support group. Attend sessions with them if they ask you to. Drive them to their meetings. You cannot force them to go, but if they are choosing to show that you support their decision to seek help.

Along with this, look to change any behaviors you have that could make their recovery process more difficult. For example, if your loved one struggles with alcohol then choose not to drink when you are with them, so they won’t be tempted.

4. Don’t take it personally

Remember that their addiction is not about you even if they try to tell you that it is. When you take their addiction personally it can hurt the situation further in a few ways. The first is that you’re likely to become defensive when you talk with your loved one. You know you aren’t the reason and you want to make it clear that it’s their decisions and choices that are hurting the situation. However, this will only hurt communication between the two of you and usually cause an argument. The second way that it hurts is that if you buy into the lie that it’s somehow your fault you will not allow them to experience their own consequences because you will want to make it better for them. Remind yourself daily if need be, their addiction is not about you.

5. Practice self-care

It can be easy to put so much emphasis on trying to take care of your loved one that you don’t take proper care of yourself. If this goes on for too long you will find that your own physical and mental health is beginning to suffer. Self-care is important for everyone, but when you are in a relationship with an addict it’s easy to forget about. Here are self-care habits you should stick to in your life:

• Get enough sleep – Difficult situations are always harder to process when you are exhausted.

• Exercise – This is a healthy way to release stress and anger as well as to boost the good endorphins in your brain.

• Eat right – Stress causes some people to not eat enough and others to eat too much. Make sure you are eating a balanced diet, so you can feel your best.

• Spend some time doing things you enjoy – Addicts have a tendency to make life all about themselves even if they don’t realize they are doing it. Find time to do things that you enjoy. Or, at the very least find time to get away on your own where you can enjoy silence and solitude.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to a local therapist for yourself. Yes, it can be incredibly helpful to get your loved one to see a professional, but you can only truly control your own actions and decisions. You might not be able to get them to see a therapist, but you can choose to go for yourself. A therapist can help you with your levels of stress and anxiety throughout the situation and help provide you with valuable tips you can use in your relationship with the addicted individual.

6. Remember that you cannot make decisions for them.

As hard as it is to accept, you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. As much as you want the person to change, and even believe that they can change, if they are unwilling to take the steps they need to, then it might not happen. Or, at least not right now.

There could come a time in the relationship when you need to let go and walk away for your own benefit. Sometimes, this consequence can be enough to wake up the other person and encourage them to take the steps that they need, but not every time. Sometimes you just have to accept that your loved one is not in a place where they are willing to acknowledge the addiction and take steps to gain control of it.

If your safety, physical or emotional, is at risk then you need to make sure you are protecting yourself before trying to help the other person. If you love an addict, I urge you to reach out to a local therapist to seek help for yourself.

Holiday Stress: 5 Tips to Manage It This Year

It seems like the holiday season starts earlier and earlier every year. Once September hits the aisles throughout stores become an odd mix of decorations for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all at once. Then November 1st rolls around and homes become a mix of pilgrims and pumpkin spice with Christmas trees and Jingle Bells. Along with the decorations, there seems to come am an expectation that everyone should be happy and overjoyed during the holidays. But, for many, this isn’t the case because “the most wonderful time of the year” brings with it a lot of holiday stress. If this is you, you don’t need to let the stress of the season steal your joy.

Holiday stress management tips

1. Get and stay organized

Life is already busy for most people but during the holidays it hits a new level. There are holiday parties, cookie swaps, presents to buy, cards to send, and school concerts to attend. And, along with all of that, your normal life and work responsibilities still need to be handled. With so many things going on at once, it’s easy to have something accidentally fall through the cracks.

Spend five minutes sitting down with pen and paper and do a massive brain dump. Write down every to-do that is on your mind, ingredient that needs to be bought, and event that you can’t forget to attend. Get it all in one place and then start sorting it out. Create a grocery shopping list, present shopping list, event list, and to-do list.

Once you have your lists, find a way to store them that will be easy for you to check on a regular basis. You could put the list in your purse or wallet or choose an app to use. A few effective apps to choose from include, Evernote, Asana, and Cozi. You can even add the lists to one of these apps and share it with other members of your family to easily divvy up the responsibilities.

Make sure that you enter any important dates and reminders into your calendar. Schedule time to go shopping, bake cookies, and wrap the presents. And, don’t forget to schedule time for self-care (check out #5 for more details).

2. Take control of your budget

If you are feeling stressed over your finances this holiday season many people can identify with you. A study by creditcard.com found that of those surveyed, 65% were losing sleep over their finances. And, the holidays tend to bring added expenses. Here are a few ways to take control of your holiday spending:

• Create a holiday budget for presents and don’t allow yourself to go over it.

• Don’t forget the little things. Presents aren’t the only added expense this time of year. Make sure you budget for things like a Christmas tree if you buy a live one, a larger grocery budget, gift wrap, and travel if you will be visiting family.

• Start shopping early. If you wait until the last minute you will be paying last minute prices and have a limited selection to choose from.

• Don’t get caught up in the deals. It’s easy this time of year to overspend because you think you are getting a deal. Before you buy anything, comparison shop the price (there are apps to make it easy), make sure it’s something you need, and that you have the budget for it. “Buy 2 Get 1 free” is not a good deal if you don’t really need two of those items. And, the best deals aren’t always found on Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Don’t feel bullied into having to buy.

3. Be mindful

Being mindful is simply the act of purposefully filling your mind with something positive or neutral so you don’t allow room for the negative and stressful thoughts. When your mind starts running and you feel your blood pressure starting to rise, shift your mind to something else. It could be the thought of sitting on a beautiful beach in the warm sunshine feeling the sand between your toes while you listen to the lapping waves on the shore or the happy faces of your excited children shining in the lights of the Christmas tree. It’s up to you to actively choose what works for you.

You can also use mindfulness to stay present in the current moment. For example, instead of stressing over your growing to-do list as you attend a holiday party fill your thoughts with what you are currently doing. Take in the smiling faces all around you, listen to the sounds of laughing and holiday music while smelling the freshly baked sweets. Let your senses go to work for you in helping you shift your focus from your stress to what you could be enjoying now.

4. Set boundaries

It’s ok to admit that you are only one person and can’t do it all. In fact, it’s good for your mental health to come to grips with this fact. You don’t have to attend every event, bake every treat, and volunteer every time you are asked this holiday season. Start early by establishing boundaries for yourself. Decide where you need to draw the line and then don’t be afraid to say “No” when the activity or event doesn’t line up with what fits within your boundaries.

Here are a few things to remember:

• Your to-do list doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s list. If you decided that you don’t want to participate in any cookie swaps this year because you don’t want to add the extra stress of baking 5 dozen cookies, then you don’t have to. Simply explain that you aren’t doing extra baking this year, or don’t give a reason at all. You don’t need to provide reasons to others on why you are saying no.

• Someone else’s lack of planning is not your emergency. If you are the go-to person that always swoops in last minute to save everyone else from their own mistakes let them know early that you aren’t doing it this year. Then, stick to it. You don’t need to drop your own plans to help someone else that wasn’t properly prepared.

5. Practice self-care

If you’re looking for how to relieve stress this holiday season, then self-care is where you need to focus. Don’t let your busy schedule break your normal routine. If you run yourself ragged, you will be too tired to enjoy the events you are working so hard for.

• Stay active. Exercise is a great way to reduce holiday stress. Look for ways to stay active whether it’s a power walk around the mall or squeezing in a short workout in the morning. Exercise gives you an outlet for stress and releases all those mood-boosting endorphins. It can also help you get better rest at night.

• Watch what you’re eating. Loading up on sugary treats throughout the season can be difficult on your system. I’m not saying don’t allow yourself to enjoy what the season has to offer, but make sure you are getting the food your body needs as well. This also helps you avoid the sugar crash that comes with overindulging on sweets and the guilt that comes along with it.

• Schedule me-time. It’s important that you set aside time to rest during the holiday season. Plan out times to do things that help you recharge.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help

It’s ok to ask for help this holiday season. This could be help with your ever-growing to-do list or just help for yourself.  If you are experiencing grief, depression, anger, or just going through a rough time in life you might not feel full of joy like you “think” you should. Find a trusted family member or friend that you can confide in, or, contact a therapist in your area.

Don’t allow the stress of the season to steal your joy. If you don’t accomplish everything you thought you were going to, it’s okay. We spend so much time trying to stress to children the real reason for the holidays and sometimes we need to give ourselves the same reminder.